Maybe you should think before you speak...

I think about this lady from time to time.  Something about her response to my attitude bothers me no matter how much I try and forget it.

Gary and I had wanted a picture frame urn but they were either too small (they only used a pinch of ash to put in) or too big :(. So my aunt had given us the idea of putting Kamryn's urn in a picture box.  We had finally found one at Hobby Lobby. it was a box to put 5 pictures on the outside and held 5 photo albums on the inside (In the end we had the 5 pictures of Kamryn on the outside an two of the photo albums filled inside along with Kamryn's small pink box urn).  When we, My aunt, mom, sister, and me, went to check out the lady was making small talk. Talking about how she had to go pick up her kids once she got off in a little and blah, blah,blah.  Then she looked at me and said "Don't look so down. You look as if your world is ending." I just gave her a look with a the fakest smile I could plant on my face and she went to finishing up our  transaction.  OH how much there was I wanted to say to this lady.  My daughter had died a couple days earlier and I had her funeral the next day.  I so wanted to tell her this. Wanted to ask her how I should look with this now being my life. How would she look if she was planning her child's funeral instead of hoping that she gets off in time to pick them up from school.  I truthfully want to go back to this lady and tell her off.  But I don't remember her name nor what she looked like to be honest I don't remember very much of anything from that time in my life and talking to strangers was not something I was in the mood to do.

As random as this post may seem her comment even two years later will randomly just rub me the wrong way and tonight is just one of those night.  Lucky, I haven't had to deal with many heartless comments --as I know that many other BLM have.  I know that she probably had no idea that something so tragic has happened.  But maybe some people just need to think before they speak

PISSED

On Thursdays I go into work at 4 so my sister, who lives with my mom, watches Kylie til my mom gets home and takes over. When I dropped Kylie off my sister, E, had been asleep. I just assumed that she had been taking a nap. While I was at work my mom had texted me saying that E was asleep when she got home and Kylie was waking up. Now I don't know whether Ky woke up as my mom was coming in or had been up for a little. I had responded back that with E's recent actions that I was getting to the point of not being comfortable with E watching Ky by herself. My mom brought Ky up to my work around 8 and I got to spend time with them. Around 930 E finally woke up and met us up there.  E helped me close down the store (she works there too).
Here is the conversation as we were leaving work:
E: I'm gunna go get fucked up.
Me: umm, okay.
E: Yeah I already took a bar today. That's why I was passed out.
Me: Why you were watching me daughter?!? E, I'm getting to the point were I don't want you to be
        watching Kylie by yourself.
E: Fine. I won't watch her anymore.Me: So glad being fucked up is so important to you.

I go to get Ky and my mom asked were E is so I said she went to go hang out. Im so mad at this point. All I could think about was all the things that could have gone wrong. "E, is never watching Kylie again." After my mom kept questioning me to why. I finally told her.  My mom was already mad because she didn't kow that E was going out and my mom ask her just to let her know so that she can know that everything is right. Once E got home they had this whole discussion. My mom told her that she needs to straighten up her act. {E has been going off the wire. She is drunk or on "bars"(xannax) or "tabs"(loratabs) all the time. She drives around messed up, by the way she doesnt have a driver's license, insurance, or the car that she bought months ago registered in her name.} So my mom told her to straighten up or to get out of her house.  She made the choice to leave.

As hateful as it sounds I could care less where she is or what she is doing she was texting me last night. I guess I messed up her life and how this is how she is. I didn't care how she is. I've been done the "crazy" road. I got to rock bottom and cleaned my life up. I know what she was doing and thought that it was stupid but whatever I never told her how to live her life.  I just thought that she would be able to be responsible when taking care of my daughter.  Guess I've lost my sister. My daughter's life is too important to worry about hurting her feelings...

Second Chances

I saw this and had to write a blog.  I know I've talked about this before but it has come to my mind so often. Kylie wouldn't be here if Kamryn still was, in all honesty. As hard as it is to think about it is the truth. I would have gotten an IUD at 6 weeks PP instead of counting down the days till my depo was going to wear of so I could jump head first into TTC.

So was Kylie my second chance? In a way, I believe. My second chance to show me that miracle of life.  I don't know if I would be in this happy spot if things hadn't unfolded in this way. Okay, Okay, I know that sounds so wrong! Im not saying that this is the option that I would have chosen cause trust me I DO NOT WANT THIS! I would not want Kamryn to be dead. I would not even want Kylie to have to grow up with this. 

But  Kamryn's life changed me. It turned me into the person that I am today. The person I was before I got pregnant with Kamryn was very unsteady. I have learned the value of a life. Yes, it took a horrible, horrible, horrible event to make me learn how fragile life can be. I was that niave person who didn't believe that this could happen to me. Twelve babies in the US die from SIDS a day. Twelve. How could I be one of those 12? Kamryn was only two days old. This is an unheard of young age for SIDS.

So yes, Kylie has become my second chance. Kamryn taught me so much so that I could become the best mother that I could be. I truthfully do not think that things would have turned out this well with kamryn.  Im not saying that I would have been a horrible mother and neglected her.  I would have always been there for her. I just dont know how to explain this really...So I am sure that I sound like a horrible person now

As the Time Gets Closer

I just feel so heart broken today. The days are quickly approaching til Kamryn's second birthday and angelversary. I do not want this. I want to be planning a second birthday party for an energetic little girl. I want to be preparing for, and most likely already dealing with, the "terrible twos". I don't want to be going through my amazon history to find the same seller that I ordered the sky lanterns from last year.  I want Kylie to know about her sister more than anything. Yet, I don't want her to have to deal with this. The sadness that will come with this isn't fair for her to grow up with. Nor will I be able to deal with the heartache (if it happens) that she doesn't want to do this anymore and can voice it or when she is too embarrassed to talk about Kamryn. I can hope all I want that she won't ever do that but in reality I know that there is a good chance it will happen. 

While I was out today there were too many temp-tags & failed emissions tags with the 11/16/11 and one truck in the Walgreen's parking lot with 11/16/09 written boldly on the back. These have hurt the heartache. I had watch the dates on the calender pass knowing that there was less then a month till her birthday. But did the dates really have to be every where today??

I try to live my life as normally as possible from the outside. But there are moments, some whole days- like today- and some random times when it just hits me, that I want to scream. I want to break down and scream "I want my daughter back!!" ...Just pretend to be "normal" because my heart has been so tore apart that I will never be.

Drying my tears as I must go chase down Kylie. She now finds everything that she is not suppose to. :p

Happy.

I love how happy Kylie is all the time. I wish that I could be that happy.

Everything has fallen apart in this house. Is it the house? Gary and I were never like this before. Yes we have been here two years. So maybe the stress of two years of our relationship, plus loosing Kamryn, plus having Kylie, plus bills, jobs and school has done it too us. . . But something just doesnt seem right here. People we have know that used to live here before had bad relationship problem. Two couples we have kept in contact with after they moved have gotten better. The lady who lived in this house before us had problems-- our door has dents from where her bf beat the door with the baseball bat. There was even a lady a bout a year ago who killed herself. Could it be this townhouse? the building? Gary looked it up earlier today and found stories where events that happened in the past could affect people. I guess it is all what you believe in.

What is there to do? Can't move out have a lease til October '12. Too expensive to break a lease and even move out. And could moving actually solve the problems between us.

In that Room--was it because of Me?

Last Wednesday I went to my OB/GYN for my annual (even though once I got there they said that things have changed and yhou no longer need an annual only a check up ever two years, so a bi-annual[?]. Anyways this is besides the point...). Besides the abbundance of pregnant women and newborn who made my baby fever roar. I so want to be pregnant. I miss it so bad. Although I know that there is no way that I would be able to handle it. I can't handle everything as they are now. I feel overwhelmed every single day. I feel like a failure.

They finally call me back. I get in the room an reconize it right away. There is something about this room that makes it unforgetable. It is extremely small compared to all the other [million] rooms and seems dark. I remember thinking the same thing the first time I walked into this room. Ugh, the first time I was in this room.... The first time that I walked in this room was the last appointment that I had with Kamryn. The day my blood pressure decided to go too high. The day I was showing that my cervix was making progress. The day I decided that it was time to bring this baby girl into the world. Friday, November 13, 2009.

I sat in this room. Alone. I thought I would be fine but of course I got to thinking. Did I make the wrong choice that day? I sat there would my daughter have done better if I had told them that I didn't want to be induced? My elevated blood pressure wasnt effecting her. What if I had just waited the weekend out? What if I had waited for her to come naturally?  Did I make the right decision? Would my daughter have passed on the 16th no matter whether she was in my womb or on the outside? Maybe I made a choice to be able have the my baby in my arms for 2 days compared to none at all. Maybe my daughter would still be here if I hadnt made that choice. Was I too impatient?

I knew that all the questions I sat asking ment nothing. No matter the million ways that I could have changed that day. None of them could bring my daughter back. NOTHING ever will. My life will always be filled with what-ifs, questioning my desicions, and pondering what a life with an almost two year old would be like......What-if? Where now? Was it me?

But even questions with no answers or no reason or no meaning made my eyes well with tears. I had thought about asking for a different room. Maybe then I wouldnt sit there and tourture my self. I didnt. I knew that they probably wouldnt undersstand. Mainly, though, I didnt want to sit there and have to explain the whole story. It is sad enough that I have a note on my paper under births after Kamryn's birth date and information "Infant passed from SIDS at 2 days old". I hate the looks that I get from the nurses who ask question as they are reading the paper or the ones who just skip over questions so they dont have to deal with it or the ones who can only wisper "Im so sorry. " I know that eople say they are sorry when they are sorry for what happened or, most times, dont know what else to say. But why be sorry. Although, at times, I want to put the blame on someone it wasnt you.

Hurry Up

I just need the 17th to hurry up.  I wish that I hadnt waited so long to make the appointment. Wish that Vanderbilt wasnt so busy that they took a 5 weeks to get me in.  This PPD is making me feel crazy.  I am so tired even though I have a womderful baby who STTN ( for 12-13 hours), Im overwhelmed by everything even litte thing such as cleening the house, Ive get anxiety over everything even when it just came to going to school. Yeah everything is bad. Im failing classes, the house is falling apart,  Gary and I argue all the time.  I just want things to get better.  I just want them to go back to the way they were.  I knew that I was at a high risk for this with loosing Kamryn and a previous history of depression.  I ever expected it to be like this to contiously get worse.  So now just have to make it a few more days.  I dont know what they are going to tell me when I go to the visit. The guy is a psychiatrist but also an OB/GYN I figured this would be the best person to see. But then I worry because what if he wants me to come meet with him every week? My TennCare is about to run up. I do have BCBS but the co-pay of 30$ plus the gas to get there and back, it would cost me about $45 a week. YES I would truthfully pay anything to not feel like this, i truly would, but we just dont have the money nor can I be missing work every week so Id be loosing 2-3x as much money by going.... What is there to do? Do I feel crazy and pay bills or feel normal and be even shorter in money then normal? Plus the school is suggesting I take a LOA. That would be great as I am faiing all of my classes and alread unsuccessful in 2 out of 3. But I need a doctor's note to do that... What do I do? Just ask the guy for one? What if he doesnt think that I need the time away? This could send my loans into default or could cause the company to pull them.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Alright I'm done.






SN: Incase you haven't noticed I do not proofread my blogs.  I will occasionally spellcheck them but even that is not a gaurentee for every blog.  So I know that my grammar and spelling and structure and everything is not the best (probably horrible at time), but hopefully it is still readable and makes so sort of sense.

Everything was Her's

I was putting away clothes in Kylie's room and layed her down in the crib, so that she could just play and talk to me.  I loved how she loves the damask pattern of her crib set.  Loves how she is just so entertained and will just stare and smile at it.  It didn't take long, of course, to get to thinking. This seems to be one of the only things in the room that is actually hers.

 The crib was bought for Kamryn.  I remember going to Target late at night with Gary and buying it on a whim.  I remember how we had to drive 20 minutes home with our flashers on because the box didn't fit in our truck and they had no rope.  How we took the time the next morning to put the thing together in our living room even though we knew that we were moving in soon.

The walls were painted for her. I remember I had her crib sheets picked out. But yet wasn't fully decided.  Not long after we moved in we walked in to Home Depot, again late at night, and I picked out the paint color. I remember painting the walls. They were the perfect color of green for my baby girl. Even if the sheets never got ordered because they were going to be after my doctor's appointment, which turned into my induction.

So many of the clothes in the drawers and closet were hers. And if you go into the dresser, in the drawer with the onesies, there is an orange one. An orange one with a firefly on it. It was the first piece of clothing that Gary had let me buy for Kamryn.  We had stopped in Wal-mart before one doctor's appointment and, of course, I had to stop at the baby department. We didn't even know the sex of her yet. I was 14 weeks pregnant.  I was so into buying clothes for this unexpected suprise. And now I wonder what was the point in taking the extra time that day?

 The curtains were hers. All the little details picked out for her. 

Even the ribbon that was hanging the "K"--"Y"--"L"--"I"--"E"on the wall was from the letters that were suppose to hang up KAMRYN's name.

And the baskets that now hold some of Kylie's things were basket that held flower's at Kamryn's funeral.  How depressing.

I remember sitting on the floor with Gary going through everything. Before we went to the doctor's appointment. How we were going to come back and finish the nursery. How we were going to come back and clean. How we were going to come back the same as we left.

Nope the next time I walked in to the nursery I was holding my baby girl.  We were showing it to a friend that had stopped by. She was in the room for maybe 5 minutes at most. All the time and energy...

I was  never the same person I was after I left the nursery to head to a doctor's appointment on November 13, 2009. That pregnant lady.

I was never the same person I was when I walked out of the room the time after that on November 15,2009.  The proud mother holding my first daughter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I stood there watching her sleep. Watching her clutching onto her sisters giraffe . Just watched her knowing I should save these tears for another day... Just watched.

Oh how this room had changed.

Oh how everything had changed.

Why...

I look at these pictures I have of Kamryn. Everyone looks so happy with her. I was lovingso much the direction in which my life was going. Why did no one tel me that this could happen. I mean I guess they do. But they tell you in a way of like "this could, but really doesn't, happen."  I just want prepared. I wish I had been able to brace myself--if that even possible?? I feel, at times, I am always waiting for something to happen to Kylie. I think that I have finally gotten over my fear and then it gets worse. I'm either took scared to check on her while shes sleeping or I'm checking on her took much to the point she wakes up. I have a feeling I will be like this til the day she leaves the house.
   If no one is going to tell me that it  is going to happen and when, Ill just  spend everyday preparing for it. Maybe I'll get lucky and never have to deal with it again.



More random rambles by me:

18 Months

So Im sitting here on FB with Kylie asleep in my arms and my brain just starts to wonder: Kylie will be two months old tomorrow which means that today is the 16th. Kamryn has now been gone for 18 months. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I should have an 18 month (and 2 day) old running around the house.

And I get to the point that I still can't believe that she is gone.

Im so afraid that as Kylie gets bigger that I will forget Kamryn. Not necessarily forget about her but forget how she looked, how she felt, how I felt with her.

Am I wrong? I want her back so bad but if she had never died we wouldn't have tried for Kylie. Instead of continuing down the days till the depo from the hospital was suppose to wear off I would have gotten an IUD. Instead of waking up every morning to take and tack my temperature I would have been waking up to feed my baby. So I would do anything to have Kamryn back but wouldn't give Kylie up for anything. Guess its just a contradiction..........

SN: I really need to update and keep up to date on this blog better, as I am no longer pregnant-obviously

SN2: Gary had wanted a picture with both his girls



Borrowed Time

So I sit here with this baby girl in my arms and I am so in love with her. But there are times I will just sit, hold her and cry. I have a fear that she will go away too. I have gottenpast her being two days old and our first night home from the hospital but the fear is still not gone. There is a fear that my nightmare could happen again, this fear that it will happen, this fear that because she has been around longer then Kamryn that i am ust tip-toeing on borrowed time. I just want to know that i will be able to watch her grow, to know that it is okay to have hopes and dreams for, to just know that everything will be okay.



Kylie Marie Suttell

On March 16 I was induced due to pre-escambia. It was a mild case but being that with my last pregnancy I had pregnancy induced hypertension they didn't want to take the chance of allowing my blood pressure to stay high and the chance of it getting even higher. They wanted me to be on magnesium so that I would not sieze incase my blood pressure got higher. 

So on March 17, 2011 at 6:00 am Kylie Marie Suttell was born.
    She weighed 8 lbs 3.5oz and was 20 inches long

Just Rambles from Another Day

I open up blogger all the time along with facebook and babycenter, they are all normally open in there own special tab. I read other people's blogs which takes me to another and another. I think all the times of things that I should write and could write and then I don't. I could stare at the blank screen and type nothing- even with a million thoughts running through my head. I'm exhausted and wind up getting distracted by the other tabs in which are so mindless-usually. And today is nothing special I sit here except just rambling on the screen. I should be cleaning. I should have cleaned. I was suppose to work last week on the nursery with my mom and sister but the house has to be cleaned first and it never got done. Now we are suppose to do it next weekend and I am still not cleaning. I know I should have today as it was my day off but I will probably wait till the day they come and rush around for two hours knowing they could be here any minute. I want the nursery done, I'm even the one that mentions doing it. I want it done, it never got finished for Kamryn and I need to have it done this time. But in finish the nursery, still half done-the way we left it when we went to the doctor's November 13, 2009 plus the few baby things that were around the house that got placed in there, means I have to go through Kamryn's things. I'll have to decide what we will keep in there, what we will keep as Kamryn's, and what will get rid off. And this has lead me not to clean. Besides being physically tired this thought of going through the nursery makes me even more mentally tired. How the hell do I go through her things? How do I decide what to how to give away things that were suppose to be her's, even if it is just to Kylie? I just dont know. So my house sits a mess, because that just means I can put the nursery off that much longer.

But if I want it done before Kylie gets home I better get started on it soon. She flipped at 21 weeks, dropped last week, and yesterday was measuring two weeks ahead- I don't think she has intentions of staying in there till her due date. Which I am fine with-as long as she stays in there for a few more weeks and is healthy and I can take her home on time. I know my anxiety will kick into full force once she is born. I'm know I won't sleep for months and don't even know how I will go to work when it comes time. I can feel myself starting to panic just thinking of it. I was in the same house whe we lost Kamryn how, just how, will I be 15 minutes away from her?
SIGHHHHHHHH...........