Last Wednesday I went to my OB/GYN for my annual (even though once I got there they said that things have changed and yhou no longer need an annual only a check up ever two years, so a bi-annual[?]. Anyways this is besides the point...). Besides the abbundance of pregnant women and newborn who made my baby fever roar. I so want to be pregnant. I miss it so bad. Although I know that there is no way that I would be able to handle it. I can't handle everything as they are now. I feel overwhelmed every single day. I feel like a failure.
They finally call me back. I get in the room an reconize it right away. There is something about this room that makes it unforgetable. It is extremely small compared to all the other [million] rooms and seems dark. I remember thinking the same thing the first time I walked into this room. Ugh, the first time I was in this room.... The first time that I walked in this room was the last appointment that I had with Kamryn. The day my blood pressure decided to go too high. The day I was showing that my cervix was making progress. The day I decided that it was time to bring this baby girl into the world. Friday, November 13, 2009.
I sat in this room. Alone. I thought I would be fine but of course I got to thinking. Did I make the wrong choice that day? I sat there would my daughter have done better if I had told them that I didn't want to be induced? My elevated blood pressure wasnt effecting her. What if I had just waited the weekend out? What if I had waited for her to come naturally? Did I make the right decision? Would my daughter have passed on the 16th no matter whether she was in my womb or on the outside? Maybe I made a choice to be able have the my baby in my arms for 2 days compared to none at all. Maybe my daughter would still be here if I hadnt made that choice. Was I too impatient?
I knew that all the questions I sat asking ment nothing. No matter the million ways that I could have changed that day. None of them could bring my daughter back. NOTHING ever will. My life will always be filled with what-ifs, questioning my desicions, and pondering what a life with an almost two year old would be like......What-if? Where now? Was it me?
But even questions with no answers or no reason or no meaning made my eyes well with tears. I had thought about asking for a different room. Maybe then I wouldnt sit there and tourture my self. I didnt. I knew that they probably wouldnt undersstand. Mainly, though, I didnt want to sit there and have to explain the whole story. It is sad enough that I have a note on my paper under births after Kamryn's birth date and information "Infant passed from SIDS at 2 days old". I hate the looks that I get from the nurses who ask question as they are reading the paper or the ones who just skip over questions so they dont have to deal with it or the ones who can only wisper "Im so sorry. " I know that eople say they are sorry when they are sorry for what happened or, most times, dont know what else to say. But why be sorry. Although, at times, I want to put the blame on someone it wasnt you.