Rainbow In the Storm

I haven't written in a while. I think about writing but I just don't get around to it. My mind floods all day with the things that I should write on here but that I don't. I am slowly getting my November 16, 09 post done but it has taken me a while and will probably still have a while left till it is completely finished and posted. My heart aches, I DO NOT want to relieve that day!! I get stuck with the images of me holding her in my arms at the hospital that morning. I am afraid that I am going to get stuck with those images, that they will erase all the happy one. That day is so vivid, not so much the time because I couldn't tell you if I had been in the hospital for 2 hours or 12. I just remember how cold she was and that I left here alone in the cold hospital room and I left. What was there for me to do???

And now it is becoming the holidays, with dreams of how things should have been and nightmares of how its not.Its not as difficult as last year as now I have made it past all her first. But her Christmas presents are still in the Old Navy bag, well some at least (the rest have gone to Kylie). I had finally gone through Kamryn's closet after a year. Yes, things literally sat in that closet the same from between 13-15 months. But I couldn't bare trying to put everything away and so it sat. The nursery and her closet just frozen in time. The only things that could remain the same. We actually still have her little ink bathrobe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, still with its tags on, still waiting for a little girl to go and take their first bath. I often regret not having given her a bath that first night home. Why did I not skip my shower and instead given her a bath? I would have a least been able to have that memory and those pictures and at least that first... But I was tired and it was late, how silly the excuses seem now......


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So I went the Wednesday before Thanksgiving for a prenatal appointment. Everything is still going good, except my blood pressure is still high "/ . Of course nothing was done because the lady doesn't know how to manually take bp! Its normally done electronically and when they did it that way bp was 145/92. Well when she went to go take it manually, only 7 mins later, she put the cuff on very loosely and it covered my whole elbow, sigh, so it said my bp was only 128/70 (my bottom number has never been that low). Even Gary, who has never taken a blood pressure in his life could tell she didn't do it right. The DR told ,me to call if it got that high again and if the headaches came back, but luckily the headaches haven't so I haven't been relgiously checking my bp.

Kylie is so active, especially compared to Kamryn. I get another ultra sound on the 8th :) . With the way the prenatals and the ultrasounds are set up I get to go in every other week. Hopefully that will ease my worry a little. The monthly ultrasounds are because they "like to keep an extra eye on things when something unexplained has happened before". That just makes me feel great "/

 

**Sorry   if this doesn't make much sense its 2:30 in the morning.