Second Chances

I saw this and had to write a blog.  I know I've talked about this before but it has come to my mind so often. Kylie wouldn't be here if Kamryn still was, in all honesty. As hard as it is to think about it is the truth. I would have gotten an IUD at 6 weeks PP instead of counting down the days till my depo was going to wear of so I could jump head first into TTC.

So was Kylie my second chance? In a way, I believe. My second chance to show me that miracle of life.  I don't know if I would be in this happy spot if things hadn't unfolded in this way. Okay, Okay, I know that sounds so wrong! Im not saying that this is the option that I would have chosen cause trust me I DO NOT WANT THIS! I would not want Kamryn to be dead. I would not even want Kylie to have to grow up with this. 

But  Kamryn's life changed me. It turned me into the person that I am today. The person I was before I got pregnant with Kamryn was very unsteady. I have learned the value of a life. Yes, it took a horrible, horrible, horrible event to make me learn how fragile life can be. I was that niave person who didn't believe that this could happen to me. Twelve babies in the US die from SIDS a day. Twelve. How could I be one of those 12? Kamryn was only two days old. This is an unheard of young age for SIDS.

So yes, Kylie has become my second chance. Kamryn taught me so much so that I could become the best mother that I could be. I truthfully do not think that things would have turned out this well with kamryn.  Im not saying that I would have been a horrible mother and neglected her.  I would have always been there for her. I just dont know how to explain this really...So I am sure that I sound like a horrible person now

As the Time Gets Closer

I just feel so heart broken today. The days are quickly approaching til Kamryn's second birthday and angelversary. I do not want this. I want to be planning a second birthday party for an energetic little girl. I want to be preparing for, and most likely already dealing with, the "terrible twos". I don't want to be going through my amazon history to find the same seller that I ordered the sky lanterns from last year.  I want Kylie to know about her sister more than anything. Yet, I don't want her to have to deal with this. The sadness that will come with this isn't fair for her to grow up with. Nor will I be able to deal with the heartache (if it happens) that she doesn't want to do this anymore and can voice it or when she is too embarrassed to talk about Kamryn. I can hope all I want that she won't ever do that but in reality I know that there is a good chance it will happen. 

While I was out today there were too many temp-tags & failed emissions tags with the 11/16/11 and one truck in the Walgreen's parking lot with 11/16/09 written boldly on the back. These have hurt the heartache. I had watch the dates on the calender pass knowing that there was less then a month till her birthday. But did the dates really have to be every where today??

I try to live my life as normally as possible from the outside. But there are moments, some whole days- like today- and some random times when it just hits me, that I want to scream. I want to break down and scream "I want my daughter back!!" ...Just pretend to be "normal" because my heart has been so tore apart that I will never be.

Drying my tears as I must go chase down Kylie. She now finds everything that she is not suppose to. :p

Happy.

I love how happy Kylie is all the time. I wish that I could be that happy.

Everything has fallen apart in this house. Is it the house? Gary and I were never like this before. Yes we have been here two years. So maybe the stress of two years of our relationship, plus loosing Kamryn, plus having Kylie, plus bills, jobs and school has done it too us. . . But something just doesnt seem right here. People we have know that used to live here before had bad relationship problem. Two couples we have kept in contact with after they moved have gotten better. The lady who lived in this house before us had problems-- our door has dents from where her bf beat the door with the baseball bat. There was even a lady a bout a year ago who killed herself. Could it be this townhouse? the building? Gary looked it up earlier today and found stories where events that happened in the past could affect people. I guess it is all what you believe in.

What is there to do? Can't move out have a lease til October '12. Too expensive to break a lease and even move out. And could moving actually solve the problems between us.

In that Room--was it because of Me?

Last Wednesday I went to my OB/GYN for my annual (even though once I got there they said that things have changed and yhou no longer need an annual only a check up ever two years, so a bi-annual[?]. Anyways this is besides the point...). Besides the abbundance of pregnant women and newborn who made my baby fever roar. I so want to be pregnant. I miss it so bad. Although I know that there is no way that I would be able to handle it. I can't handle everything as they are now. I feel overwhelmed every single day. I feel like a failure.

They finally call me back. I get in the room an reconize it right away. There is something about this room that makes it unforgetable. It is extremely small compared to all the other [million] rooms and seems dark. I remember thinking the same thing the first time I walked into this room. Ugh, the first time I was in this room.... The first time that I walked in this room was the last appointment that I had with Kamryn. The day my blood pressure decided to go too high. The day I was showing that my cervix was making progress. The day I decided that it was time to bring this baby girl into the world. Friday, November 13, 2009.

I sat in this room. Alone. I thought I would be fine but of course I got to thinking. Did I make the wrong choice that day? I sat there would my daughter have done better if I had told them that I didn't want to be induced? My elevated blood pressure wasnt effecting her. What if I had just waited the weekend out? What if I had waited for her to come naturally?  Did I make the right decision? Would my daughter have passed on the 16th no matter whether she was in my womb or on the outside? Maybe I made a choice to be able have the my baby in my arms for 2 days compared to none at all. Maybe my daughter would still be here if I hadnt made that choice. Was I too impatient?

I knew that all the questions I sat asking ment nothing. No matter the million ways that I could have changed that day. None of them could bring my daughter back. NOTHING ever will. My life will always be filled with what-ifs, questioning my desicions, and pondering what a life with an almost two year old would be like......What-if? Where now? Was it me?

But even questions with no answers or no reason or no meaning made my eyes well with tears. I had thought about asking for a different room. Maybe then I wouldnt sit there and tourture my self. I didnt. I knew that they probably wouldnt undersstand. Mainly, though, I didnt want to sit there and have to explain the whole story. It is sad enough that I have a note on my paper under births after Kamryn's birth date and information "Infant passed from SIDS at 2 days old". I hate the looks that I get from the nurses who ask question as they are reading the paper or the ones who just skip over questions so they dont have to deal with it or the ones who can only wisper "Im so sorry. " I know that eople say they are sorry when they are sorry for what happened or, most times, dont know what else to say. But why be sorry. Although, at times, I want to put the blame on someone it wasnt you.