About Me

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Murfreesboro, Tennessee
^KL^ Kamryn Lynn. My SIDS angel taken from me at 2 days old (11/14-16/2009)KM- Kylie Marie. My rainbow baby. Who is 2 1/2 and always keeping me on my toes J- JJ. My gf who I love so much and is going through this journey right by my side ME :) Kimberlee. I am 23 and TotSchool-ing KM. This is my blog on how I 'raise my rainbow' through child-led learning and life. This is where the journey of our growing family will be

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Monday, November 16, 2009

A year ago today...
I was woken up about 2am my dog began crying at me and then just came and snuggled up next to me, they say animals can sense things- but who knows. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I knew Kamryn was down stairs with Gary but didn't really give it a thought I still was not used to the idea that she was home. I woke up at 6:03 I was tired and almost decided to go back to bed but wanted to just hold my baby girl and headed down stairs. As I headed down the stairs I saw Gary asleep on the couch and Kamryn laying on the floor. I got mad, 'why would he put her to sleep on the floor, the bouncer was right next to him? But she was just laying there on her back her hans by her head as she always had them. I walked towards her. I don't know when I realized that something was wrong, but I was sitting there on the ground next to her and shacking/rocking her ( the type you do when trying to wake someone up- not shaking shaking) whith two figures. I had remember reading on the November 09 birthboard  someone saying that newborns have weird breathing patterns, that was all this was (right ?). I woke Gary up- he told me I was screaming at him I only remember saying for him to wake up because she wasn't breathing. She was kind of cool but of course she had been sleeping on the ground, it was the middle of November, there was a draft (right?). Gary took her up stairs and started cpr. I just stood there crying. He told me to call 911, I kept saying I couldn't- 911 is for when things are wrong there wasnt anything wrong there couldn't be. I called them and now know why they drill this number and your address into your head when you are little- I could not remember my address and when I did I had forgot the number on the townhouse. I handed the phone to Gary as they were just telling me steps to cpr. I remember hearing her make weasing sound; it sounded like she was trying to breath. It had only been a few minutes from the time I had headed downstairs but t seemed to be hours. The police arrived first followed by EMT and fire, it had only taken them two minutes to get them and the continued cpr. The police told us to grab shoes and he would take us to the hospital. We were getting into the cop car as the wereloading her into the ambulance and I heard a baby crying. I thought that ment that everything would be okay. We got to the hospitaland were taken to a room. The room that they sit you in when you are crying hysterically and they dont want you to disrupte everythig else that has taken place. The room that has nothing but some chairs, two tables, bibles, and boxes of tissues. My mom arrived- I had called her at some point I'm not exactly sure when. And then Gary's dad and step mom came- I have no idea who or when they got called. We all sat in the room. Someone came into talk to us at some point. The finally the doctor came in. I have no idea how long we had been in the room wiether it was minutes or hours or weeks I couldnt tell you. The doctor came in and intruduced herself, she was the lead of pediatrics at the hospital( like I could really care about who she was) and another doctor who had been assisting her. Then I got the worst news of my life.
They had tried everything they could do and she had no reaction.
Nothing they could do could save my baby girl, she was gone. I went to the room to hold her. She has a breathing tube down her throat. She was warm from being under the heating lamps. But even that didnt last too long. The longer I held her the colded she got even being wrapped in four recieving blankets I could feel the cold seeping through, a coldness I will never forget. The tip of her nose looked at is it was bruised and the drop of blood which had rolled from her nose down her cheeck had been cleaned off. The automatic rocking/bouncing that you have when holding a baby cause blood to start comng up the breathing tubes. The chaplin they had at the hospital came and baptized her. The EMT came and got everyone but me and Gary out of the room to explain that it was most likely SIDS and about it. We just sat there and held her and cryed. My mom came inand the EMT snuck us scissors so that we could get a lock of her hair, supposidly this is not allowed, and to tell us that they think we need to start saying out good byes. Some how we did laid her in the bassinet, or whatever it is called, and walked out of the room. I walked out of the room and left my daughter. While we were at the hospital the investigator searched our house. And when we left we had to go talk to him. They seperated us and got each of our stories of what had happend the day and night before and that morning. Our stories matched exceot for the times. I was more in love with my babygirl and taking care of her then I was about what time it was. But we were both cleared of it being any foul play.
The rest of the day seem a blur and I remember so little.
We left the station and everyone went out to eat. The were callin funeral homes and family to figure everything out. At some point we went home and people came over because Gary didnt want to be alone in the house. I wanted nothing more then to lay in bed with him but I didnt want to ague and so we had company. At some point everyone left and were able to start making funeral plans for us. . . Then my memory of this day just goes away and I am left blank and haunted by the images I have of her in the hospital, that cannot be my baby girl.

** I didnt edit or reread this so hopefully it is not too bad.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

A year ago today...
The pediatrician and some other doctors came in to talk to me. They were telling me how well Kamryn was doing. They gave me the choice of leaving that night, the next morning or staying the full time and being discharges the following evening. All I wanted to do was to be at home with Gary an my baby girl and have our little family together. I have now believed this to be my biggest regret of my life!! It always causes me to wonder and question my judgement. We got all our things together, put Kamryn in her take home outfit and just hung out the rest of the day. The lady came in and took Kamryns hospital photo, she was amazing with it! Kamryn looks so peaceful in it when in reality she was well being a newborn, fussing and moving everywhere. The came in and got all my discharge paperwork done told me everything I should and shouldn't do and gave me my depo shot (another regret of the day). We had a few people come and visit us nothing too exciting. Then we headed home. We stop at some of Gary's family's house to show off Kamryn but everyone was telling us how we shouldn't have the baby out and should just be home. I wanted so bad to show my baby off but we just listened to everyone and went home (another regret,sigh). We got home and were amazed at how calm our 70lb-1 year old-hyperactive-puppy was with her. he stayed just far enough back from her and just watched her where ever we took her. I took a shower. Gary finally convinced me to get some sleep and he would take her downstairs so that I wouldn't be distracted and actually could. After lying in bed for several and convincing myself that I should go to sleep (I hadn't slept in three days) instead of going downstairs with them (regret again) I went to sleep (regret).

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Your First Birthday


My Angel Kamryn,
           Today is your first birthday! But instead of filling out gift tags and birthday cards and writing you a letter to give you when you are 18 I am writing to you here. I had so many plans and dreams for you, ones that I will never know if you will fulfill or if you will set your own. I know I would have been proud of you in anything you did. I am still so proud of you. You have done so much, even if you were not with us very long. You touched so many peoples lives and changed mine so much! I have completely changed from who I was before I was pregnant with you, I don't do any of the 'things' that I used to and even finally went back to school like I had talked about after you were born. I cant believe that I would have changed so much so quickly but it was all because of you.

      You will be a big sister soon, I know you have been a wonderful one! But it was because of the joy that you brought me in daddy that we had the strength to try again. And I'm sure that you would like to meet her and play with her but can you please come down and do it. I would prefer her not to go up and live with you for about 90 more years, I just cant do it again baby girl.

       Me, daddy, gramma, Aunt  Liz and Uncle Will set sky lanterns off for you tonight. They were so beautiful and peaceful! I hope you could see them from heaven :)

       I hope you are having a wonderful first birthday up there, which I'm sure you are. And I know that they say you are in a better place but it has become so hard to believe. I think that you should be here with me, I think that is the best place for you. And I know that it is selfish, but I wanted to plan you first birthday, I wanted to see your first steps (as you would now be walking-probably wobbly-around her), I wanted to be able to hear your laugh and see your smile, I wanted to be able to worry about every little thing you, but I just never got the chance...

I Love You Baby Girl!!
<3 Mommy

Saturday, November 14, 2009 *editted 11/18

One year ago today....
At exactly a year ago to the minute I was pushing. I  had  begun pushing a couple mintues before actually.
At about 9 in the morning I had given up on the whole natural thing and got an epidural ( whatever they put in the IV before I got it is probably the best stuff ever). I went to sleep nad next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up and I was ready to push. All the doctors came in and after 15 mins of pushing my babygirl was born! I cried as they layed her on my chest, al of the sudden my life was complete!
She was born at 12:22pm
Weighed 8lbs 5oz
Was 19 3/4in
Apgar scores of 8 and 9
She was testing perfecct for everything!
I just couldn't believe how much in love with her I was....

*They took her to the nursery and Gary went with her. They brought me food to eat and wheeled me down to my room. I dont remember times too well, but at some point they brought her back to me and would come and check on me, Kamryn, and my pee "/. My mom had left for the night and my friend Amanda came to visit. When she got there Gary took her out to the hall and talked for a while. She came back in the room herself and told me that gary had to run back home for a little but he would be back. She watched Kamryn for me while I went to take a shower, and lucky for her during this time got to change Kamryn's first poop :).

At some point I during the night I found out that Gary had left to go talk to his boss. He got informed when he called out for that night that he had been fired- not for calling out but for eatting a chicken nugget! For some reason, I was very calm about this whole situation. I was mad at his boss and the reason he was being fired but I wasnt worried about him not having a job. Even though I would be on leave for 6 weeks with no income and he had been making all the money to cover the bills and mine was just the "play money" it would barley touch anything. But this little girl that I was holding in my arms was all that I was concerned with.

Gary finally got back and Amanda left. We aate and just spent time hold and watching our baby. He fell asleep on the chair that night as I held Kamryn on my chest. But could not fully fall asleep with her there and anytime I layed her down she would start crying, plus, the nurses coming in to check on me every 3 hours did not help. But the night seemed to go by quickly just watching my baby girl sleep.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Friday November 13th, 2009

One year ago......
I was 39 weeks 5 days pregnant...
I was working on the nursery with Gary killing time before my prenantal appointment. I was hoping they would set up an indunction date, maybe for that Monday, if I went over my 40 weeks. We were suppose to finish the nursery, clean the house, and order the crib bedding when we got home from the doctors.
Well I went there and my blood pressure was 196/??. They took it like 5 time I swear and decided that I needed to head home, grab my bag (which I was planning to pack when I got home from the doctors), and head back to the hospital. They were inducing me for hypertension and signs of pre-e, which I turned out not to have. I was so happy I was finally going to meet my baby girl. While waiting for them to process my paper work and get my room set up me and my mom walked down to the gift shop to look around. She bought me a litte angel with pink baby blocks that spelt out BABY- she said it was "an angel, for my little angel". Oh, the irony of it now.The induction was painful from the start between the folly bulb (?), and stalling at 4cm and then having my water broken. But I swore I was going to go through this naturally, at least I was going to try. As the night dragged on my sister slept on a chair, and Gary and my brother were asleep on the ground. And my mom stayed up the whole night with me. I swore if one more person had told me I should try and get some rest I might have smacked them, there was nothing more I wished I could do then sleep through this pain and make the time go by quicker. It just kept dragging on and on though.....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Prenantal Visit.....

I had a prenatal visit Thursday, as soon as they walked me in to the room I recognized it. Out of the millions of rooms they have this one just seems to be smaller and darker then the rest. It was the last room I went into when I was pregnant with Kamryn. It was there they told me that Ifound out my blood pressure had shot through the roof ( it was 162/?? and it was normally 115/80). It was in that room that they told me that I was going to be induced (for hypertension & signs of pre-e), I was already 39weeks and 5 days and so ready to meet my baby girl- how did I know that it would turn into a nightmare, this nightmare that I am still living.

Well again last Thursday, in this same little dark room, I got told my blood pressure- well my Diastolic (bottom number) was elevated and they would have to watch it. I was only 18w5d no chance that they can just send me down the street and I can deliver my baby, not anytime soon......

The next morning we left down to FL, I had a headache but I'm pregnant,of course that's normal. The headache- almost a week later- is still here. It will get worse, into a terrible migraine and then after hours or a day or two will return to a headache. I have been going to wal-mart or publix and using there little bp machines ( since my dog popped a hole in my cuff- some how). its been averaging high 145/86... today was 140/91 ( not sure if that's really any better).  Plus, my vision has been hard for me to focus the last couple days....I know I need to call the doctor but I don't want to find out that anything is going wrong. I'm worried that I am bring all this on myself, as though I am just waiting and expecting something to go wrong this time.

My anxiety is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. I feel myself trying to prepare for anything but as soon as I feel her move or she gets hiccups my heart melts. I know that I cannot prepare myself to loss her. I cant even wrap my mind around the idea, the idea that I know all too well can happen again.

I have a meeting with Maternal and Fetal Medicine on Monday to see if they want to see me, based on me losing Kamryn. I don't know how it will help, maybe just for my peace of mind? I guess I will just have to talk with her Monday and see what she says or wants to do. I know that Kylie will be sent home with an apnea monitor (if I want) and may be held a couple extra days in the hospital. All these things make me wonder if they don't believe it was just SIDS.

SN: I have all my 365 Project pictures just waiting to be uploaded. Guess I should get a move on it....
         I just don't have energy for anything anymore.