I haven't written in a while. I think about writing but I just don't get around to it. My mind floods all day with the things that I should write on here but that I don't. I am slowly getting my November 16, 09 post done but it has taken me a while and will probably still have a while left till it is completely finished and posted. My heart aches, I DO NOT want to relieve that day!! I get stuck with the images of me holding her in my arms at the hospital that morning. I am afraid that I am going to get stuck with those images, that they will erase all the happy one. That day is so vivid, not so much the time because I couldn't tell you if I had been in the hospital for 2 hours or 12. I just remember how cold she was and that I left here alone in the cold hospital room and I left. What was there for me to do???

And now it is becoming the holidays, with dreams of how things should have been and nightmares of how its not.Its not as difficult as last year as now I have made it past all her first. But her Christmas presents are still in the Old Navy bag, well some at least (the rest have gone to Kylie). I had finally gone through Kamryn's closet after a year. Yes, things literally sat in that closet the same from between 13-15 months. But I couldn't bare trying to put everything away and so it sat. The nursery and her closet just frozen in time. The only things that could remain the same. We actually still have her little ink bathrobe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, still with its tags on, still waiting for a little girl to go and take their first bath. I often regret not having given her a bath that first night home. Why did I not skip my shower and instead given her a bath? I would have a least been able to have that memory and those pictures and at least that first... But I was tired and it was late, how silly the excuses seem now......


-----------------------------------------------------**

So I went the Wednesday before Thanksgiving for a prenatal appointment. Everything is still going good, except my blood pressure is still high "/ . Of course nothing was done because the lady doesn't know how to manually take bp! Its normally done electronically and when they did it that way bp was 145/92. Well when she went to go take it manually, only 7 mins later, she put the cuff on very loosely and it covered my whole elbow, sigh, so it said my bp was only 128/70 (my bottom number has never been that low). Even Gary, who has never taken a blood pressure in his life could tell she didn't do it right. The DR told ,me to call if it got that high again and if the headaches came back, but luckily the headaches haven't so I haven't been relgiously checking my bp.

Kylie is so active, especially compared to Kamryn. I get another ultra sound on the 8th :) . With the way the prenatals and the ultrasounds are set up I get to go in every other week. Hopefully that will ease my worry a little. The monthly ultrasounds are because they "like to keep an extra eye on things when something unexplained has happened before". That just makes me feel great "/

 

**Sorry   if this doesn't make much sense its 2:30 in the morning.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A year ago today...

I was woken up about 2am my dog began crying at me and then just came and snuggled up next to me, they say animals can sense things- but who knows. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I knew Kamryn was down stairs with Gary but didn't really give it a thought I still was not used to the idea that she was home. I woke up at 6:03 I was tired and almost decided to go back to bed but wanted to just hold my baby girl and headed down stairs. As I headed down the stairs I saw Gary asleep on the couch and Kamryn laying on the floor. I got mad, 'why would he put her to sleep on the floor, the bouncer was right next to him? But she was just laying there on her back her hans by her head as she always had them. I walked towards her. I don't know when I realized that something was wrong, but I was sitting there on the ground next to her and shacking/rocking her ( the type you do when trying to wake someone up- not shaking shaking) whith two figures. I had remember reading on the November 09 birthboard  someone saying that newborns have weird breathing patterns, that was all this was (right ?). I woke Gary up- he told me I was screaming at him I only remember saying for him to wake up because she wasn't breathing. She was kind of cool but of course she had been sleeping on the ground, it was the middle of November, there was a draft (right?). Gary took her up stairs and started cpr. I just stood there crying. He told me to call 911, I kept saying I couldn't- 911 is for when things are wrong there wasnt anything wrong there couldn't be. I called them and now know why they drill this number and your address into your head when you are little- I could not remember my address and when I did I had forgot the number on the townhouse. I handed the phone to Gary as they were just telling me steps to cpr. I remember hearing her make weasing sound; it sounded like she was trying to breath. It had only been a few minutes from the time I had headed downstairs but t seemed to be hours. The police arrived first followed by EMT and fire, it had only taken them two minutes to get them and the continued cpr. The police told us to grab shoes and he would take us to the hospital. We were getting into the cop car as the wereloading her into the ambulance and I heard a baby crying. I thought that ment that everything would be okay. We got to the hospitaland were taken to a room. The room that they sit you in when you are crying hysterically and they dont want you to disrupte everythig else that has taken place. The room that has nothing but some chairs, two tables, bibles, and boxes of tissues. My mom arrived- I had called her at some point I'm not exactly sure when. And then Gary's dad and step mom came- I have no idea who or when they got called. We all sat in the room. Someone came into talk to us at some point. The finally the doctor came in. I have no idea how long we had been in the room wiether it was minutes or hours or weeks I couldnt tell you. The doctor came in and intruduced herself, she was the lead of pediatrics at the hospital( like I could really care about who she was) and another doctor who had been assisting her. Then I got the worst news of my life.

They had tried everything they could do and she had no reaction.

Nothing they could do could save my baby girl, she was gone. I went to the room to hold her. She has a breathing tube down her throat. She was warm from being under the heating lamps. But even that didnt last too long. The longer I held her the colded she got even being wrapped in four recieving blankets I could feel the cold seeping through, a coldness I will never forget. The tip of her nose looked at is it was bruised and the drop of blood which had rolled from her nose down her cheeck had been cleaned off. The automatic rocking/bouncing that you have when holding a baby cause blood to start comng up the breathing tubes. The chaplin they had at the hospital came and baptized her. The EMT came and got everyone but me and Gary out of the room to explain that it was most likely SIDS and about it. We just sat there and held her and cryed. My mom came inand the EMT snuck us scissors so that we could get a lock of her hair, supposidly this is not allowed, and to tell us that they think we need to start saying out good byes. Some how we did laid her in the bassinet, or whatever it is called, and walked out of the room. I walked out of the room and left my daughter. While we were at the hospital the investigator searched our house. And when we left we had to go talk to him. They seperated us and got each of our stories of what had happend the day and night before and that morning. Our stories matched exceot for the times. I was more in love with my babygirl and taking care of her then I was about what time it was. But we were both cleared of it being any foul play.

The rest of the day seem a blur and I remember so little.

We left the station and everyone went out to eat. The were callin funeral homes and family to figure everything out. At some point we went home and people came over because Gary didnt want to be alone in the house. I wanted nothing more then to lay in bed with him but I didnt want to ague and so we had company. At some point everyone left and were able to start making funeral plans for us. . . Then my memory of this day just goes away and I am left blank and haunted by the images I have of her in the hospital, that cannot be my baby girl.

** I didnt edit or reread this so hopefully it is not too bad.

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

A year ago today...
The pediatrician and some other doctors came in to talk to me. They were telling me how well Kamryn was doing. They gave me the choice of leaving that night, the next morning or staying the full time and being discharges the following evening. All I wanted to do was to be at home with Gary an my baby girl and have our little family together. I have now believed this to be my biggest regret of my life!! It always causes me to wonder and question my judgement. We got all our things together, put Kamryn in her take home outfit and just hung out the rest of the day. The lady came in and took Kamryns hospital photo, she was amazing with it! Kamryn looks so peaceful in it when in reality she was well being a newborn, fussing and moving everywhere. The came in and got all my discharge paperwork done told me everything I should and shouldn't do and gave me my depo shot (another regret of the day). We had a few people come and visit us nothing too exciting. Then we headed home. We stop at some of Gary's family's house to show off Kamryn but everyone was telling us how we shouldn't have the baby out and should just be home. I wanted so bad to show my baby off but we just listened to everyone and went home (another regret,sigh). We got home and were amazed at how calm our 70lb-1 year old-hyperactive-puppy was with her. he stayed just far enough back from her and just watched her where ever we took her. I took a shower. Gary finally convinced me to get some sleep and he would take her downstairs so that I wouldn't be distracted and actually could. After lying in bed for several and convincing myself that I should go to sleep (I hadn't slept in three days) instead of going downstairs with them (regret again) I went to sleep (regret).

Your First Birthday

11/14/2010

My Angel Kamryn,
           Today is your first birthday! But instead of filling out gift tags and birthday cards and writing you a letter to give you when you are 18 I am writing to you here. I had so many plans and dreams for you, ones that I will never know if you will fulfill or if you will set your own. I know I would have been proud of you in anything you did. I am still so proud of you. You have done so much, even if you were not with us very long. You touched so many peoples lives and changed mine so much! I have completely changed from who I was before I was pregnant with you, I don't do any of the 'things' that I used to and even finally went back to school like I had talked about after you were born. I cant believe that I would have changed so much so quickly but it was all because of you.

      You will be a big sister soon, I know you have been a wonderful one! But it was because of the joy that you brought me in daddy that we had the strength to try again. And I'm sure that you would like to meet her and play with her but can you please come down and do it. I would prefer her not to go up and live with you for about 90 more years, I just cant do it again baby girl.

       Me, daddy, gramma, Aunt  Liz and Uncle Will set sky lanterns off for you tonight. They were so beautiful and peaceful! I hope you could see them from heaven :)

       I hope you are having a wonderful first birthday up there, which I'm sure you are. And I know that they say you are in a better place but it has become so hard to believe. I think that you should be here with me, I think that is the best place for you. And I know that it is selfish, but I wanted to plan you first birthday, I wanted to see your first steps (as you would now be walking-probably wobbly-around her), I wanted to be able to hear your laugh and see your smile, I wanted to be able to worry about every little thing you, but I just never got the chance...

I Love You Baby Girl!!
<3 Mommy

Saturday, November 14, 2009 *editted 11/18

One year ago today....

At exactly a year ago to the minute I was pushing. I  had  begun pushing a couple mintues before actually.

At about 9 in the morning I had given up on the whole natural thing and got an epidural ( whatever they put in the IV before I got it is probably the best stuff ever). I went to sleep nad next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up and I was ready to push. All the doctors came in and after 15 mins of pushing my babygirl was born! I cried as they layed her on my chest, al of the sudden my life was complete!

She was born at 12:22pm
Weighed 8lbs 5oz
Was 19 3/4in
Apgar scores of 8 and 9

She was testing perfecct for everything!

I just couldn't believe how much in love with her I was....

*They took her to the nursery and Gary went with her. They brought me food to eat and wheeled me down to my room. I dont remember times too well, but at some point they brought her back to me and would come and check on me, Kamryn, and my pee "/. My mom had left for the night and my friend Amanda came to visit. When she got there Gary took her out to the hall and talked for a while. She came back in the room herself and told me that gary had to run back home for a little but he would be back. She watched Kamryn for me while I went to take a shower, and lucky for her during this time got to change Kamryn's first poop :).

At some point I during the night I found out that Gary had left to go talk to his boss. He got informed when he called out for that night that he had been fired- not for calling out but for eatting a chicken nugget! For some reason, I was very calm about this whole situation. I was mad at his boss and the reason he was being fired but I wasnt worried about him not having a job. Even though I would be on leave for 6 weeks with no income and he had been making all the money to cover the bills and mine was just the "play money" it would barley touch anything. But this little girl that I was holding in my arms was all that I was concerned with.

Gary finally got back and Amanda left. We aate and just spent time hold and watching our baby. He fell asleep on the chair that night as I held Kamryn on my chest. But could not fully fall asleep with her there and anytime I layed her down she would start crying, plus, the nurses coming in to check on me every 3 hours did not help. But the night seemed to go by quickly just watching my baby girl sleep.

Friday November 13th, 2009

One year ago......

I was 39 weeks 5 days pregnant...

I was working on the nursery with Gary killing time before my prenantal appointment. I was hoping they would set up an indunction date, maybe for that Monday, if I went over my 40 weeks. We were suppose to finish the nursery, clean the house, and order the crib bedding when we got home from the doctors.

Well I went there and my blood pressure was 196/??. They took it like 5 time I swear and decided that I needed to head home, grab my bag (which I was planning to pack when I got home from the doctors), and head back to the hospital. They were inducing me for hypertension and signs of pre-e, which I turned out not to have. I was so happy I was finally going to meet my baby girl. While waiting for them to process my paper work and get my room set up me and my mom walked down to the gift shop to look around. She bought me a litte angel with pink baby blocks that spelt out BABY- she said it was "an angel, for my little angel". Oh, the irony of it now.The induction was painful from the start between the folly bulb (?), and stalling at 4cm and then having my water broken. But I swore I was going to go through this naturally, at least I was going to try. As the night dragged on my sister slept on a chair, and Gary and my brother were asleep on the ground. And my mom stayed up the whole night with me. I swore if one more person had told me I should try and get some rest I might have smacked them, there was nothing more I wished I could do then sleep through this pain and make the time go by quicker. It just kept dragging on and on though.....

Prenantal Visit.....

I had a prenatal visit Thursday, as soon as they walked me in to the room I recognized it. Out of the millions of rooms they have this one just seems to be smaller and darker then the rest. It was the last room I went into when I was pregnant with Kamryn. It was there they told me that Ifound out my blood pressure had shot through the roof ( it was 162/?? and it was normally 115/80). It was in that room that they told me that I was going to be induced (for hypertension & signs of pre-e), I was already 39weeks and 5 days and so ready to meet my baby girl- how did I know that it would turn into a nightmare, this nightmare that I am still living.

Well again last Thursday, in this same little dark room, I got told my blood pressure- well my Diastolic (bottom number) was elevated and they would have to watch it. I was only 18w5d no chance that they can just send me down the street and I can deliver my baby, not anytime soon......

The next morning we left down to FL, I had a headache but I'm pregnant,of course that's normal. The headache- almost a week later- is still here. It will get worse, into a terrible migraine and then after hours or a day or two will return to a headache. I have been going to wal-mart or publix and using there little bp machines ( since my dog popped a hole in my cuff- some how). its been averaging high 145/86... today was 140/91 ( not sure if that's really any better).  Plus, my vision has been hard for me to focus the last couple days....I know I need to call the doctor but I don't want to find out that anything is going wrong. I'm worried that I am bring all this on myself, as though I am just waiting and expecting something to go wrong this time.

My anxiety is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. I feel myself trying to prepare for anything but as soon as I feel her move or she gets hiccups my heart melts. I know that I cannot prepare myself to loss her. I cant even wrap my mind around the idea, the idea that I know all too well can happen again.

I have a meeting with Maternal and Fetal Medicine on Monday to see if they want to see me, based on me losing Kamryn. I don't know how it will help, maybe just for my peace of mind? I guess I will just have to talk with her Monday and see what she says or wants to do. I know that Kylie will be sent home with an apnea monitor (if I want) and may be held a couple extra days in the hospital. All these things make me wonder if they don't believe it was just SIDS.

SN: I have all my 365 Project pictures just waiting to be uploaded. Guess I should get a move on it....

         I just don't have energy for anything anymore.

Little Pink TuTu

The other day me and Gary were in Carters getting a take home outfit for Kylie ( I know I'm not even 17 weeks but I'm trying to be completely naive about this pregnancy even with all the horrible things that could happen running in the back of my mind). We were standing in the line and behind us this little girl was unsteadily walking around in a pink tutu that the mom had tried on her. I over heard the mom talking to the lady in line behind us about how her daughter was about to be one and her birthday party was in 2 weeks. I just froze and my eyes welled up with tears. This whole time I was trying to push out on my mind that Kamryn would have been close to this girls age but there it was she was only about 2 weeks older then Kamryn should have been- not to mention her blue eyes and hair being almost the same as Kamryn's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bared standing in line without making a scene. well almost till we went to lunch, Gary mentioned something about there were baby's everywhere and something got brought up (don't remember by who or for what) about the little girl in the pink tutu in Carter's. And yes, I lost it in the middle of the restaurant with every word that I or Gary said.  He was saying that "that baby was so big" (yes, we would have a big baby) " that she was walking" ( yes, our baby would be walking too, or trying to, or would start pretty soon) and so on..... The waitress finally came back after I had stop crying, I know she was trying to be nice with the comments she made but I wish people would just keep their comments to there self! No, truthfully I don't feel better nor will I ever. I just want my daughter back! I want to be planning her 1st birthday!  And her comment just made me feel worse about crying I was sure she had noticed it and half the restaurant, but I didn't really want it pointed out!

Sighhh... I just find the days till Kamryn's birthday getting harder. I will be in random places, the car, the house the store, in class, anywhere and my eyes just well up with tears. If I'm by myself I will just let myself break down other wise I try to hold it in. I'm sure that people think that I am crazy with there strange looks they give me. But oh well..........

SN: I will catch up on my pictures and everything tonight. I am so bad at this but I become anti-social from everything when pregnant and just want to stay by myself with my thoughts. With Kamryn it was daydreams of her, now I try not to day dream about Kylie ( I don't want to get too hurt) just sit there with my thoughts about who knows.

October 15th

DAY 8

                 of 365 Project
                            10/15/10

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. The picture above is from the walk that I went on tonight. I am sitting listening to Streets of Heaven (by Sherrie Austin) on repeat. Its been a hard day. The crying has tired me out. I'm going to put Kamryn's Playlist on on my phone and read some more in I Will Carry You and head to bed. I'm sure the night will be filled with plenty more tears.



Flashing Lights

My camera is dead, so pictures will be left blank till I get new batteries or find the charger for my other one.

Day 3                
of 365 Project 

                          10/10/10

 

I got this elephant right after I found out that I was having a girl. I was at a yard sale which was mainly selling baby girls clothes and had found a few bag full of clothes. As I was paying for the clothes, talking with the guy about the new baby girl I was going to have, he ran inside to get me this elephant. He told me about how his daughter had loved it and that I should give it to my little girl. I instantly fell in love with this little pink worn out elephant. I now sit here and wonder about his daughter and where was she and wonder why all her things were being given away but i am sure she had just out grown the toys and clothes all children do, well I guess as most children do. Once I lost Kamryn and Gary had found  a new job (about 3 weeks after we lost her) and I was at home by myself all night, I braved going into her nursery to get the elephant. I carefully untied it from the side of the bed and took it to bed with me that night. From the night on I slept with this little pink elephant it some how filling the loneliness, the emptiness, the silence that filled my room every night. Once we got a new puppy and I didn't want him to chew it up while i was asleep I moved the elephant to the computer desk to rest against my box that contained the plaster casting of Kamryn's feet and hands sand there it sat till yesterday ( Saturday) night. Ive gotten that emptiness that just wells up inside on me. the dogs are there at night but it's not the same thing as if Gary was home from work so i could just cry having him hold me, or even better if Kamryn was there for me to cuddle with- how big she would be now!!!

Day 4                
of 365 Project 

                          10/11/10

It had seemed as though today would be a normal day: go to work, go home, lay in bed wishing I had the energy to get out of bed to do the much needed things such as homework and cleaning.  But of course how could any day be "normal" for me? Gary had called so I went and brought him dinner. Then decided instead of just sitting at home thinking and wondering I should go baby shopping ( always made me happy with Kamryn). On my way I passed a daycare, my heart just dropped, in the parking lot were two police cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck. All had there lights on and silence seemed to fill the place. All I could say was "Oh God, no" and my eyes filled up with tears. It seemed like the exact same scene that had occurred in front of my house nearly 11 months ago. The whole time out shopping my mind flashed back to that daycare and my eyes would fill with tears. I had no idea what had happened and will probably never find out, but what good can there be when you see this scene? I just pray that it wasn't another little angel lost today.

First Post....

So, I don't know how to make this too first post-y so I'll just jump in...

DAY 1                 of 365 Project
                            10/8/10

This is Kamryn's closet, well one rack of it. And yes, after 10 1/2 months it still sits. The tags still on the majority of the clothes, her dresser drawers still stuffed full, sheets still on the crib, everything how it was left when i set it up. The bag on the shelf below the clothes is actually Kamryn's Christmas gift that i had bought while pregnant with her. All of this stuff I have left just waiting, just waiting because I couldn't deal with it. Well I guess its no longer Kamryn's, it's Kylie's, my rainbow babies. I knew I was going to have a problem with this and finding out yesterday at the ultra sound confirmed that i do. All this stuff is Kamryn's! How do i get over that now I have to give it to Kylie? Everything that is Kamryn's will no longer be hers. We plan on keeping some stuff just Kamryn's- like a blanket and a few little things, but I don't know. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be pregnant and completely in love with this baby, its just I had plans for Kamryn to wear this stuff. I remember imaging her wearing all this stuff and maybe its that now, after almost 11 months, I have grasped that she never will.....

DAY 2                 of 365 Project
                            10/9/10

I went to check the mail to day anxiously waiting on my FOL/FOH hoodie and expecting some bills (a few late notices too)  and instead found this book with a letter. Now I knew this book would becoming its the 4th part of the SIDS Survival Kit (www.tinyhandprints.org)  that is sent out at 11 months. I just wasn't expecting it, maybe it would ever come then that means it wont have been 11 months since I lost Kamryn, which means I will never hit the 1 year mark. Guess denial would do no good though. The book will be so helpful though.....And in this mailbox along with this book- a letter from TENNcare addressed to Kamyrn Lynn Suttell (yes, it was spelt exactly like that "/ and they have sent me a letter apologizing for my loss) because she needs a wellness visit. Sighh, if only a wellness visit would help.