Hurry Up

I just need the 17th to hurry up.  I wish that I hadnt waited so long to make the appointment. Wish that Vanderbilt wasnt so busy that they took a 5 weeks to get me in.  This PPD is making me feel crazy.  I am so tired even though I have a womderful baby who STTN ( for 12-13 hours), Im overwhelmed by everything even litte thing such as cleening the house, Ive get anxiety over everything even when it just came to going to school. Yeah everything is bad. Im failing classes, the house is falling apart,  Gary and I argue all the time.  I just want things to get better.  I just want them to go back to the way they were.  I knew that I was at a high risk for this with loosing Kamryn and a previous history of depression.  I ever expected it to be like this to contiously get worse.  So now just have to make it a few more days.  I dont know what they are going to tell me when I go to the visit. The guy is a psychiatrist but also an OB/GYN I figured this would be the best person to see. But then I worry because what if he wants me to come meet with him every week? My TennCare is about to run up. I do have BCBS but the co-pay of 30$ plus the gas to get there and back, it would cost me about $45 a week. YES I would truthfully pay anything to not feel like this, i truly would, but we just dont have the money nor can I be missing work every week so Id be loosing 2-3x as much money by going.... What is there to do? Do I feel crazy and pay bills or feel normal and be even shorter in money then normal? Plus the school is suggesting I take a LOA. That would be great as I am faiing all of my classes and alread unsuccessful in 2 out of 3. But I need a doctor's note to do that... What do I do? Just ask the guy for one? What if he doesnt think that I need the time away? This could send my loans into default or could cause the company to pull them.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Alright I'm done.






SN: Incase you haven't noticed I do not proofread my blogs.  I will occasionally spellcheck them but even that is not a gaurentee for every blog.  So I know that my grammar and spelling and structure and everything is not the best (probably horrible at time), but hopefully it is still readable and makes so sort of sense.

Everything was Her's

I was putting away clothes in Kylie's room and layed her down in the crib, so that she could just play and talk to me.  I loved how she loves the damask pattern of her crib set.  Loves how she is just so entertained and will just stare and smile at it.  It didn't take long, of course, to get to thinking. This seems to be one of the only things in the room that is actually hers.

 The crib was bought for Kamryn.  I remember going to Target late at night with Gary and buying it on a whim.  I remember how we had to drive 20 minutes home with our flashers on because the box didn't fit in our truck and they had no rope.  How we took the time the next morning to put the thing together in our living room even though we knew that we were moving in soon.

The walls were painted for her. I remember I had her crib sheets picked out. But yet wasn't fully decided.  Not long after we moved in we walked in to Home Depot, again late at night, and I picked out the paint color. I remember painting the walls. They were the perfect color of green for my baby girl. Even if the sheets never got ordered because they were going to be after my doctor's appointment, which turned into my induction.

So many of the clothes in the drawers and closet were hers. And if you go into the dresser, in the drawer with the onesies, there is an orange one. An orange one with a firefly on it. It was the first piece of clothing that Gary had let me buy for Kamryn.  We had stopped in Wal-mart before one doctor's appointment and, of course, I had to stop at the baby department. We didn't even know the sex of her yet. I was 14 weeks pregnant.  I was so into buying clothes for this unexpected suprise. And now I wonder what was the point in taking the extra time that day?

 The curtains were hers. All the little details picked out for her. 

Even the ribbon that was hanging the "K"--"Y"--"L"--"I"--"E"on the wall was from the letters that were suppose to hang up KAMRYN's name.

And the baskets that now hold some of Kylie's things were basket that held flower's at Kamryn's funeral.  How depressing.

I remember sitting on the floor with Gary going through everything. Before we went to the doctor's appointment. How we were going to come back and finish the nursery. How we were going to come back and clean. How we were going to come back the same as we left.

Nope the next time I walked in to the nursery I was holding my baby girl.  We were showing it to a friend that had stopped by. She was in the room for maybe 5 minutes at most. All the time and energy...

I was  never the same person I was after I left the nursery to head to a doctor's appointment on November 13, 2009. That pregnant lady.

I was never the same person I was when I walked out of the room the time after that on November 15,2009.  The proud mother holding my first daughter.

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I stood there watching her sleep. Watching her clutching onto her sisters giraffe . Just watched her knowing I should save these tears for another day... Just watched.

Oh how this room had changed.

Oh how everything had changed.