I just feel so heart broken today. The days are quickly approaching til Kamryn's second birthday and angelversary. I do not want this. I want to be planning a second birthday party for an energetic little girl. I want to be preparing for, and most likely already dealing with, the "terrible twos". I don't want to be going through my amazon history to find the same seller that I ordered the sky lanterns from last year. I want Kylie to know about her sister more than anything. Yet, I don't want her to have to deal with this. The sadness that will come with this isn't fair for her to grow up with. Nor will I be able to deal with the heartache (if it happens) that she doesn't want to do this anymore and can voice it or when she is too embarrassed to talk about Kamryn. I can hope all I want that she won't ever do that but in reality I know that there is a good chance it will happen.
While I was out today there were too many temp-tags & failed emissions tags with the 11/16/11 and one truck in the Walgreen's parking lot with 11/16/09 written boldly on the back. These have hurt the heartache. I had watch the dates on the calender pass knowing that there was less then a month till her birthday. But did the dates really have to be every where today??
I try to live my life as normally as possible from the outside. But there are moments, some whole days- like today- and some random times when it just hits me, that I want to scream. I want to break down and scream "I want my daughter back!!" ...Just pretend to be "normal" because my heart has been so tore apart that I will never be.
Drying my tears as I must go chase down Kylie. She now finds everything that she is not suppose to. :p
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