I just need the 17th to hurry up. I wish that I hadnt waited so long to make the appointment. Wish that Vanderbilt wasnt so busy that they took a 5 weeks to get me in. This PPD is making me feel crazy. I am so tired even though I have a womderful baby who STTN ( for 12-13 hours), Im overwhelmed by everything even litte thing such as cleening the house, Ive get anxiety over everything even when it just came to going to school. Yeah everything is bad. Im failing classes, the house is falling apart, Gary and I argue all the time. I just want things to get better. I just want them to go back to the way they were. I knew that I was at a high risk for this with loosing Kamryn and a previous history of depression. I ever expected it to be like this to contiously get worse. So now just have to make it a few more days. I dont know what they are going to tell me when I go to the visit. The guy is a psychiatrist but also an OB/GYN I figured this would be the best person to see. But then I worry because what if he wants me to come meet with him every week? My TennCare is about to run up. I do have BCBS but the co-pay of 30$ plus the gas to get there and back, it would cost me about $45 a week. YES I would truthfully pay anything to not feel like this, i truly would, but we just dont have the money nor can I be missing work every week so Id be loosing 2-3x as much money by going.... What is there to do? Do I feel crazy and pay bills or feel normal and be even shorter in money then normal? Plus the school is suggesting I take a LOA. That would be great as I am faiing all of my classes and alread unsuccessful in 2 out of 3. But I need a doctor's note to do that... What do I do? Just ask the guy for one? What if he doesnt think that I need the time away? This could send my loans into default or could cause the company to pull them.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Alright I'm done.
SN: Incase you haven't noticed I do not proofread my blogs. I will occasionally spellcheck them but even that is not a gaurentee for every blog. So I know that my grammar and spelling and structure and everything is not the best (probably horrible at time), but hopefully it is still readable and makes so sort of sense.