About Me

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Murfreesboro, Tennessee
^KL^ Kamryn Lynn. My SIDS angel taken from me at 2 days old (11/14-16/2009)KM- Kylie Marie. My rainbow baby. Who is 2 1/2 and always keeping me on my toes J- JJ. My gf who I love so much and is going through this journey right by my side ME :) Kimberlee. I am 23 and TotSchool-ing KM. This is my blog on how I 'raise my rainbow' through child-led learning and life. This is where the journey of our growing family will be

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Little Pink TuTu

The other day me and Gary were in Carters getting a take home outfit for Kylie ( I know I'm not even 17 weeks but I'm trying to be completely naive about this pregnancy even with all the horrible things that could happen running in the back of my mind). We were standing in the line and behind us this little girl was unsteadily walking around in a pink tutu that the mom had tried on her. I over heard the mom talking to the lady in line behind us about how her daughter was about to be one and her birthday party was in 2 weeks. I just froze and my eyes welled up with tears. This whole time I was trying to push out on my mind that Kamryn would have been close to this girls age but there it was she was only about 2 weeks older then Kamryn should have been- not to mention her blue eyes and hair being almost the same as Kamryn's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bared standing in line without making a scene. well almost till we went to lunch, Gary mentioned something about there were baby's everywhere and something got brought up (don't remember by who or for what) about the little girl in the pink tutu in Carter's. And yes, I lost it in the middle of the restaurant with every word that I or Gary said.  He was saying that "that baby was so big" (yes, we would have a big baby) " that she was walking" ( yes, our baby would be walking too, or trying to, or would start pretty soon) and so on..... The waitress finally came back after I had stop crying, I know she was trying to be nice with the comments she made but I wish people would just keep their comments to there self! No, truthfully I don't feel better nor will I ever. I just want my daughter back! I want to be planning her 1st birthday!  And her comment just made me feel worse about crying I was sure she had noticed it and half the restaurant, but I didn't really want it pointed out!

Sighhh... I just find the days till Kamryn's birthday getting harder. I will be in random places, the car, the house the store, in class, anywhere and my eyes just well up with tears. If I'm by myself I will just let myself break down other wise I try to hold it in. I'm sure that people think that I am crazy with there strange looks they give me. But oh well..........

SN: I will catch up on my pictures and everything tonight. I am so bad at this but I become anti-social from everything when pregnant and just want to stay by myself with my thoughts. With Kamryn it was daydreams of her, now I try not to day dream about Kylie ( I don't want to get too hurt) just sit there with my thoughts about who knows.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th

                 of 365 Project

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. The picture above is from the walk that I went on tonight. I am sitting listening to Streets of Heaven (by Sherrie Austin) on repeat. Its been a hard day. The crying has tired me out. I'm going to put Kamryn's Playlist on on my phone and read some more in I Will Carry You and head to bed. I'm sure the night will be filled with plenty more tears.

Flashing Lights

My camera is dead, so pictures will be left blank till I get new batteries or find the charger for my other one.

Day 3                
of 365 Project 

I got this elephant right after I found out that I was having a girl. I was at a yard sale which was mainly selling baby girls clothes and had found a few bag full of clothes. As I was paying for the clothes, talking with the guy about the new baby girl I was going to have, he ran inside to get me this elephant. He told me about how his daughter had loved it and that I should give it to my little girl. I instantly fell in love with this little pink worn out elephant. I now sit here and wonder about his daughter and where was she and wonder why all her things were being given away but i am sure she had just out grown the toys and clothes all children do, well I guess as most children do. Once I lost Kamryn and Gary had found  a new job (about 3 weeks after we lost her) and I was at home by myself all night, I braved going into her nursery to get the elephant. I carefully untied it from the side of the bed and took it to bed with me that night. From the night on I slept with this little pink elephant it some how filling the loneliness, the emptiness, the silence that filled my room every night. Once we got a new puppy and I didn't want him to chew it up while i was asleep I moved the elephant to the computer desk to rest against my box that contained the plaster casting of Kamryn's feet and hands sand there it sat till yesterday ( Saturday) night. Ive gotten that emptiness that just wells up inside on me. the dogs are there at night but it's not the same thing as if Gary was home from work so i could just cry having him hold me, or even better if Kamryn was there for me to cuddle with- how big she would be now!!!

Day 4                
of 365 Project 

It had seemed as though today would be a normal day: go to work, go home, lay in bed wishing I had the energy to get out of bed to do the much needed things such as homework and cleaning.  But of course how could any day be "normal" for me? Gary had called so I went and brought him dinner. Then decided instead of just sitting at home thinking and wondering I should go baby shopping ( always made me happy with Kamryn). On my way I passed a daycare, my heart just dropped, in the parking lot were two police cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck. All had there lights on and silence seemed to fill the place. All I could say was "Oh God, no" and my eyes filled up with tears. It seemed like the exact same scene that had occurred in front of my house nearly 11 months ago. The whole time out shopping my mind flashed back to that daycare and my eyes would fill with tears. I had no idea what had happened and will probably never find out, but what good can there be when you see this scene? I just pray that it wasn't another little angel lost today.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

First Post....

So, I don't know how to make this too first post-y so I'll just jump in...

DAY 1                 of 365 Project

This is Kamryn's closet, well one rack of it. And yes, after 10 1/2 months it still sits. The tags still on the majority of the clothes, her dresser drawers still stuffed full, sheets still on the crib, everything how it was left when i set it up. The bag on the shelf below the clothes is actually Kamryn's Christmas gift that i had bought while pregnant with her. All of this stuff I have left just waiting, just waiting because I couldn't deal with it. Well I guess its no longer Kamryn's, it's Kylie's, my rainbow babies. I knew I was going to have a problem with this and finding out yesterday at the ultra sound confirmed that i do. All this stuff is Kamryn's! How do i get over that now I have to give it to Kylie? Everything that is Kamryn's will no longer be hers. We plan on keeping some stuff just Kamryn's- like a blanket and a few little things, but I don't know. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be pregnant and completely in love with this baby, its just I had plans for Kamryn to wear this stuff. I remember imaging her wearing all this stuff and maybe its that now, after almost 11 months, I have grasped that she never will.....

DAY 2                 of 365 Project

I went to check the mail to day anxiously waiting on my FOL/FOH hoodie and expecting some bills (a few late notices too)  and instead found this book with a letter. Now I knew this book would becoming its the 4th part of the SIDS Survival Kit (www.tinyhandprints.org)  that is sent out at 11 months. I just wasn't expecting it, maybe it would ever come then that means it wont have been 11 months since I lost Kamryn, which means I will never hit the 1 year mark. Guess denial would do no good though. The book will be so helpful though.....And in this mailbox along with this book- a letter from TENNcare addressed to Kamyrn Lynn Suttell (yes, it was spelt exactly like that "/ and they have sent me a letter apologizing for my loss) because she needs a wellness visit. Sighh, if only a wellness visit would help.