About Me

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Murfreesboro, Tennessee
^KL^ Kamryn Lynn. My SIDS angel taken from me at 2 days old (11/14-16/2009)KM- Kylie Marie. My rainbow baby. Who is 2 1/2 and always keeping me on my toes J- JJ. My gf who I love so much and is going through this journey right by my side ME :) Kimberlee. I am 23 and TotSchool-ing KM. This is my blog on how I 'raise my rainbow' through child-led learning and life. This is where the journey of our growing family will be

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Little Pink TuTu

The other day me and Gary were in Carters getting a take home outfit for Kylie ( I know I'm not even 17 weeks but I'm trying to be completely naive about this pregnancy even with all the horrible things that could happen running in the back of my mind). We were standing in the line and behind us this little girl was unsteadily walking around in a pink tutu that the mom had tried on her. I over heard the mom talking to the lady in line behind us about how her daughter was about to be one and her birthday party was in 2 weeks. I just froze and my eyes welled up with tears. This whole time I was trying to push out on my mind that Kamryn would have been close to this girls age but there it was she was only about 2 weeks older then Kamryn should have been- not to mention her blue eyes and hair being almost the same as Kamryn's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bared standing in line without making a scene. well almost till we went to lunch, Gary mentioned something about there were baby's everywhere and something got brought up (don't remember by who or for what) about the little girl in the pink tutu in Carter's. And yes, I lost it in the middle of the restaurant with every word that I or Gary said.  He was saying that "that baby was so big" (yes, we would have a big baby) " that she was walking" ( yes, our baby would be walking too, or trying to, or would start pretty soon) and so on..... The waitress finally came back after I had stop crying, I know she was trying to be nice with the comments she made but I wish people would just keep their comments to there self! No, truthfully I don't feel better nor will I ever. I just want my daughter back! I want to be planning her 1st birthday!  And her comment just made me feel worse about crying I was sure she had noticed it and half the restaurant, but I didn't really want it pointed out!

Sighhh... I just find the days till Kamryn's birthday getting harder. I will be in random places, the car, the house the store, in class, anywhere and my eyes just well up with tears. If I'm by myself I will just let myself break down other wise I try to hold it in. I'm sure that people think that I am crazy with there strange looks they give me. But oh well..........

SN: I will catch up on my pictures and everything tonight. I am so bad at this but I become anti-social from everything when pregnant and just want to stay by myself with my thoughts. With Kamryn it was daydreams of her, now I try not to day dream about Kylie ( I don't want to get too hurt) just sit there with my thoughts about who knows.

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