A year ago today...
I was woken up about 2am my dog began crying at me and then just came and snuggled up next to me, they say animals can sense things- but who knows. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I knew Kamryn was down stairs with Gary but didn't really give it a thought I still was not used to the idea that she was home. I woke up at 6:03 I was tired and almost decided to go back to bed but wanted to just hold my baby girl and headed down stairs. As I headed down the stairs I saw Gary asleep on the couch and Kamryn laying on the floor. I got mad, 'why would he put her to sleep on the floor, the bouncer was right next to him? But she was just laying there on her back her hans by her head as she always had them. I walked towards her. I don't know when I realized that something was wrong, but I was sitting there on the ground next to her and shacking/rocking her ( the type you do when trying to wake someone up- not shaking shaking) whith two figures. I had remember reading on the November 09 birthboard someone saying that newborns have weird breathing patterns, that was all this was (right ?). I woke Gary up- he told me I was screaming at him I only remember saying for him to wake up because she wasn't breathing. She was kind of cool but of course she had been sleeping on the ground, it was the middle of November, there was a draft (right?). Gary took her up stairs and started cpr. I just stood there crying. He told me to call 911, I kept saying I couldn't- 911 is for when things are wrong there wasnt anything wrong there couldn't be. I called them and now know why they drill this number and your address into your head when you are little- I could not remember my address and when I did I had forgot the number on the townhouse. I handed the phone to Gary as they were just telling me steps to cpr. I remember hearing her make weasing sound; it sounded like she was trying to breath. It had only been a few minutes from the time I had headed downstairs but t seemed to be hours. The police arrived first followed by EMT and fire, it had only taken them two minutes to get them and the continued cpr. The police told us to grab shoes and he would take us to the hospital. We were getting into the cop car as the wereloading her into the ambulance and I heard a baby crying. I thought that ment that everything would be okay. We got to the hospitaland were taken to a room. The room that they sit you in when you are crying hysterically and they dont want you to disrupte everythig else that has taken place. The room that has nothing but some chairs, two tables, bibles, and boxes of tissues. My mom arrived- I had called her at some point I'm not exactly sure when. And then Gary's dad and step mom came- I have no idea who or when they got called. We all sat in the room. Someone came into talk to us at some point. The finally the doctor came in. I have no idea how long we had been in the room wiether it was minutes or hours or weeks I couldnt tell you. The doctor came in and intruduced herself, she was the lead of pediatrics at the hospital( like I could really care about who she was) and another doctor who had been assisting her. Then I got the worst news of my life.
They had tried everything they could do and she had no reaction.
Nothing they could do could save my baby girl, she was gone. I went to the room to hold her. She has a breathing tube down her throat. She was warm from being under the heating lamps. But even that didnt last too long. The longer I held her the colded she got even being wrapped in four recieving blankets I could feel the cold seeping through, a coldness I will never forget. The tip of her nose looked at is it was bruised and the drop of blood which had rolled from her nose down her cheeck had been cleaned off. The automatic rocking/bouncing that you have when holding a baby cause blood to start comng up the breathing tubes. The chaplin they had at the hospital came and baptized her. The EMT came and got everyone but me and Gary out of the room to explain that it was most likely SIDS and about it. We just sat there and held her and cryed. My mom came inand the EMT snuck us scissors so that we could get a lock of her hair, supposidly this is not allowed, and to tell us that they think we need to start saying out good byes. Some how we did laid her in the bassinet, or whatever it is called, and walked out of the room. I walked out of the room and left my daughter. While we were at the hospital the investigator searched our house. And when we left we had to go talk to him. They seperated us and got each of our stories of what had happend the day and night before and that morning. Our stories matched exceot for the times. I was more in love with my babygirl and taking care of her then I was about what time it was. But we were both cleared of it being any foul play.
The rest of the day seem a blur and I remember so little.
We left the station and everyone went out to eat. The were callin funeral homes and family to figure everything out. At some point we went home and people came over because Gary didnt want to be alone in the house. I wanted nothing more then to lay in bed with him but I didnt want to ague and so we had company. At some point everyone left and were able to start making funeral plans for us. . . Then my memory of this day just goes away and I am left blank and haunted by the images I have of her in the hospital, that cannot be my baby girl.
** I didnt edit or reread this so hopefully it is not too bad.