Prenantal Visit.....

I had a prenatal visit Thursday, as soon as they walked me in to the room I recognized it. Out of the millions of rooms they have this one just seems to be smaller and darker then the rest. It was the last room I went into when I was pregnant with Kamryn. It was there they told me that Ifound out my blood pressure had shot through the roof ( it was 162/?? and it was normally 115/80). It was in that room that they told me that I was going to be induced (for hypertension & signs of pre-e), I was already 39weeks and 5 days and so ready to meet my baby girl- how did I know that it would turn into a nightmare, this nightmare that I am still living.

Well again last Thursday, in this same little dark room, I got told my blood pressure- well my Diastolic (bottom number) was elevated and they would have to watch it. I was only 18w5d no chance that they can just send me down the street and I can deliver my baby, not anytime soon......

The next morning we left down to FL, I had a headache but I'm pregnant,of course that's normal. The headache- almost a week later- is still here. It will get worse, into a terrible migraine and then after hours or a day or two will return to a headache. I have been going to wal-mart or publix and using there little bp machines ( since my dog popped a hole in my cuff- some how). its been averaging high 145/86... today was 140/91 ( not sure if that's really any better).  Plus, my vision has been hard for me to focus the last couple days....I know I need to call the doctor but I don't want to find out that anything is going wrong. I'm worried that I am bring all this on myself, as though I am just waiting and expecting something to go wrong this time.

My anxiety is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. I feel myself trying to prepare for anything but as soon as I feel her move or she gets hiccups my heart melts. I know that I cannot prepare myself to loss her. I cant even wrap my mind around the idea, the idea that I know all too well can happen again.

I have a meeting with Maternal and Fetal Medicine on Monday to see if they want to see me, based on me losing Kamryn. I don't know how it will help, maybe just for my peace of mind? I guess I will just have to talk with her Monday and see what she says or wants to do. I know that Kylie will be sent home with an apnea monitor (if I want) and may be held a couple extra days in the hospital. All these things make me wonder if they don't believe it was just SIDS.

SN: I have all my 365 Project pictures just waiting to be uploaded. Guess I should get a move on it....

         I just don't have energy for anything anymore.