Everything was Her's

I was putting away clothes in Kylie's room and layed her down in the crib, so that she could just play and talk to me.  I loved how she loves the damask pattern of her crib set.  Loves how she is just so entertained and will just stare and smile at it.  It didn't take long, of course, to get to thinking. This seems to be one of the only things in the room that is actually hers.

 The crib was bought for Kamryn.  I remember going to Target late at night with Gary and buying it on a whim.  I remember how we had to drive 20 minutes home with our flashers on because the box didn't fit in our truck and they had no rope.  How we took the time the next morning to put the thing together in our living room even though we knew that we were moving in soon.

The walls were painted for her. I remember I had her crib sheets picked out. But yet wasn't fully decided.  Not long after we moved in we walked in to Home Depot, again late at night, and I picked out the paint color. I remember painting the walls. They were the perfect color of green for my baby girl. Even if the sheets never got ordered because they were going to be after my doctor's appointment, which turned into my induction.

So many of the clothes in the drawers and closet were hers. And if you go into the dresser, in the drawer with the onesies, there is an orange one. An orange one with a firefly on it. It was the first piece of clothing that Gary had let me buy for Kamryn.  We had stopped in Wal-mart before one doctor's appointment and, of course, I had to stop at the baby department. We didn't even know the sex of her yet. I was 14 weeks pregnant.  I was so into buying clothes for this unexpected suprise. And now I wonder what was the point in taking the extra time that day?

 The curtains were hers. All the little details picked out for her. 

Even the ribbon that was hanging the "K"--"Y"--"L"--"I"--"E"on the wall was from the letters that were suppose to hang up KAMRYN's name.

And the baskets that now hold some of Kylie's things were basket that held flower's at Kamryn's funeral.  How depressing.

I remember sitting on the floor with Gary going through everything. Before we went to the doctor's appointment. How we were going to come back and finish the nursery. How we were going to come back and clean. How we were going to come back the same as we left.

Nope the next time I walked in to the nursery I was holding my baby girl.  We were showing it to a friend that had stopped by. She was in the room for maybe 5 minutes at most. All the time and energy...

I was  never the same person I was after I left the nursery to head to a doctor's appointment on November 13, 2009. That pregnant lady.

I was never the same person I was when I walked out of the room the time after that on November 15,2009.  The proud mother holding my first daughter.

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I stood there watching her sleep. Watching her clutching onto her sisters giraffe . Just watched her knowing I should save these tears for another day... Just watched.

Oh how this room had changed.

Oh how everything had changed.

Why...

I look at these pictures I have of Kamryn. Everyone looks so happy with her. I was lovingso much the direction in which my life was going. Why did no one tel me that this could happen. I mean I guess they do. But they tell you in a way of like "this could, but really doesn't, happen."  I just want prepared. I wish I had been able to brace myself--if that even possible?? I feel, at times, I am always waiting for something to happen to Kylie. I think that I have finally gotten over my fear and then it gets worse. I'm either took scared to check on her while shes sleeping or I'm checking on her took much to the point she wakes up. I have a feeling I will be like this til the day she leaves the house.
   If no one is going to tell me that it  is going to happen and when, Ill just  spend everyday preparing for it. Maybe I'll get lucky and never have to deal with it again.



More random rambles by me:

18 Months

So Im sitting here on FB with Kylie asleep in my arms and my brain just starts to wonder: Kylie will be two months old tomorrow which means that today is the 16th. Kamryn has now been gone for 18 months. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I should have an 18 month (and 2 day) old running around the house.

And I get to the point that I still can't believe that she is gone.

Im so afraid that as Kylie gets bigger that I will forget Kamryn. Not necessarily forget about her but forget how she looked, how she felt, how I felt with her.

Am I wrong? I want her back so bad but if she had never died we wouldn't have tried for Kylie. Instead of continuing down the days till the depo from the hospital was suppose to wear off I would have gotten an IUD. Instead of waking up every morning to take and tack my temperature I would have been waking up to feed my baby. So I would do anything to have Kamryn back but wouldn't give Kylie up for anything. Guess its just a contradiction..........

SN: I really need to update and keep up to date on this blog better, as I am no longer pregnant-obviously

SN2: Gary had wanted a picture with both his girls



Borrowed Time

So I sit here with this baby girl in my arms and I am so in love with her. But there are times I will just sit, hold her and cry. I have a fear that she will go away too. I have gottenpast her being two days old and our first night home from the hospital but the fear is still not gone. There is a fear that my nightmare could happen again, this fear that it will happen, this fear that because she has been around longer then Kamryn that i am ust tip-toeing on borrowed time. I just want to know that i will be able to watch her grow, to know that it is okay to have hopes and dreams for, to just know that everything will be okay.



Kylie Marie Suttell

On March 16 I was induced due to pre-escambia. It was a mild case but being that with my last pregnancy I had pregnancy induced hypertension they didn't want to take the chance of allowing my blood pressure to stay high and the chance of it getting even higher. They wanted me to be on magnesium so that I would not sieze incase my blood pressure got higher. 

So on March 17, 2011 at 6:00 am Kylie Marie Suttell was born.
    She weighed 8 lbs 3.5oz and was 20 inches long

Just Rambles from Another Day

I open up blogger all the time along with facebook and babycenter, they are all normally open in there own special tab. I read other people's blogs which takes me to another and another. I think all the times of things that I should write and could write and then I don't. I could stare at the blank screen and type nothing- even with a million thoughts running through my head. I'm exhausted and wind up getting distracted by the other tabs in which are so mindless-usually. And today is nothing special I sit here except just rambling on the screen. I should be cleaning. I should have cleaned. I was suppose to work last week on the nursery with my mom and sister but the house has to be cleaned first and it never got done. Now we are suppose to do it next weekend and I am still not cleaning. I know I should have today as it was my day off but I will probably wait till the day they come and rush around for two hours knowing they could be here any minute. I want the nursery done, I'm even the one that mentions doing it. I want it done, it never got finished for Kamryn and I need to have it done this time. But in finish the nursery, still half done-the way we left it when we went to the doctor's November 13, 2009 plus the few baby things that were around the house that got placed in there, means I have to go through Kamryn's things. I'll have to decide what we will keep in there, what we will keep as Kamryn's, and what will get rid off. And this has lead me not to clean. Besides being physically tired this thought of going through the nursery makes me even more mentally tired. How the hell do I go through her things? How do I decide what to how to give away things that were suppose to be her's, even if it is just to Kylie? I just dont know. So my house sits a mess, because that just means I can put the nursery off that much longer.

But if I want it done before Kylie gets home I better get started on it soon. She flipped at 21 weeks, dropped last week, and yesterday was measuring two weeks ahead- I don't think she has intentions of staying in there till her due date. Which I am fine with-as long as she stays in there for a few more weeks and is healthy and I can take her home on time. I know my anxiety will kick into full force once she is born. I'm know I won't sleep for months and don't even know how I will go to work when it comes time. I can feel myself starting to panic just thinking of it. I was in the same house whe we lost Kamryn how, just how, will I be 15 minutes away from her?
SIGHHHHHHHH...........