New job. Sigh. I’m actually enjoying it but between the travel to and from and 8-10 hour shifts and school I’m never home. I miss Kylie. I’m not there for her. I feel stuck. I’m trying to make our life more comfortable. Make it so we aren’t always stuck asking for money or deciding which bill not to pay. I think this is what is best for our family. Then I pick her up and she comes running for me. I’ve had my mom, who has been watching her, tell me that after I leave she points at the door saying “mama” or she will do it when she wakes up from her nap. Does she really understand that I am gone? I know she doesn’t understand the reasoning and that I am trying to do what is best. Does she understand missing someone? I feel that my heart breaks, like it is now. I am suppose to be writing a paper for class but I can’t. I just want to go home. I want to see my baby girl of course I also want her to go to bed on time (which would be as soon as we got home- around 10) because I have to wake up around 4am. I feel so lost between being there for her and supporting and providing for her. I just don’t want to grow up watching us struggle nor do I want her to grow up feeling abandoned. I just feel so torn.
