New Job

New job. Sigh. I’m actually enjoying it but between the travel to and from and 8-10 hour shifts and school I’m never home. I miss Kylie. I’m not there for her. I feel stuck. I’m trying to make our life more comfortable. Make it so we aren’t always stuck asking for money or deciding which bill not to pay.  I think this is what is best for our family. Then I pick her up and she comes running for me.  I’ve had my mom, who has been watching her, tell me that after I leave she points at the door saying “mama” or she will do it when she wakes up from her nap.  Does she really understand that I am gone? I know she doesn’t understand the reasoning and that I am trying to do what is best.  Does she understand missing someone?  I feel that my heart breaks, like it is now.  I am suppose to be writing a paper for class but I can’t. I just want to go home.  I want to see my baby girl of course I also want her to go to bed on time (which would be as soon as we got home- around 10) because I have to wake up around 4am. I feel so lost between being there for her and supporting and providing for her.  I just don’t want to grow up watching us struggle nor do I want her to grow up feeling abandoned.  I just feel so torn.

Maybe you should think before you speak...

I think about this lady from time to time.  Something about her response to my attitude bothers me no matter how much I try and forget it.

Gary and I had wanted a picture frame urn but they were either too small (they only used a pinch of ash to put in) or too big :(. So my aunt had given us the idea of putting Kamryn's urn in a picture box.  We had finally found one at Hobby Lobby. it was a box to put 5 pictures on the outside and held 5 photo albums on the inside (In the end we had the 5 pictures of Kamryn on the outside an two of the photo albums filled inside along with Kamryn's small pink box urn).  When we, My aunt, mom, sister, and me, went to check out the lady was making small talk. Talking about how she had to go pick up her kids once she got off in a little and blah, blah,blah.  Then she looked at me and said "Don't look so down. You look as if your world is ending." I just gave her a look with a the fakest smile I could plant on my face and she went to finishing up our  transaction.  OH how much there was I wanted to say to this lady.  My daughter had died a couple days earlier and I had her funeral the next day.  I so wanted to tell her this. Wanted to ask her how I should look with this now being my life. How would she look if she was planning her child's funeral instead of hoping that she gets off in time to pick them up from school.  I truthfully want to go back to this lady and tell her off.  But I don't remember her name nor what she looked like to be honest I don't remember very much of anything from that time in my life and talking to strangers was not something I was in the mood to do.

As random as this post may seem her comment even two years later will randomly just rub me the wrong way and tonight is just one of those night.  Lucky, I haven't had to deal with many heartless comments --as I know that many other BLM have.  I know that she probably had no idea that something so tragic has happened.  But maybe some people just need to think before they speak

PISSED

On Thursdays I go into work at 4 so my sister, who lives with my mom, watches Kylie til my mom gets home and takes over. When I dropped Kylie off my sister, E, had been asleep. I just assumed that she had been taking a nap. While I was at work my mom had texted me saying that E was asleep when she got home and Kylie was waking up. Now I don't know whether Ky woke up as my mom was coming in or had been up for a little. I had responded back that with E's recent actions that I was getting to the point of not being comfortable with E watching Ky by herself. My mom brought Ky up to my work around 8 and I got to spend time with them. Around 930 E finally woke up and met us up there.  E helped me close down the store (she works there too).
Here is the conversation as we were leaving work:
E: I'm gunna go get fucked up.
Me: umm, okay.
E: Yeah I already took a bar today. That's why I was passed out.
Me: Why you were watching me daughter?!? E, I'm getting to the point were I don't want you to be
        watching Kylie by yourself.
E: Fine. I won't watch her anymore.Me: So glad being fucked up is so important to you.

I go to get Ky and my mom asked were E is so I said she went to go hang out. Im so mad at this point. All I could think about was all the things that could have gone wrong. "E, is never watching Kylie again." After my mom kept questioning me to why. I finally told her.  My mom was already mad because she didn't kow that E was going out and my mom ask her just to let her know so that she can know that everything is right. Once E got home they had this whole discussion. My mom told her that she needs to straighten up her act. {E has been going off the wire. She is drunk or on "bars"(xannax) or "tabs"(loratabs) all the time. She drives around messed up, by the way she doesnt have a driver's license, insurance, or the car that she bought months ago registered in her name.} So my mom told her to straighten up or to get out of her house.  She made the choice to leave.

As hateful as it sounds I could care less where she is or what she is doing she was texting me last night. I guess I messed up her life and how this is how she is. I didn't care how she is. I've been done the "crazy" road. I got to rock bottom and cleaned my life up. I know what she was doing and thought that it was stupid but whatever I never told her how to live her life.  I just thought that she would be able to be responsible when taking care of my daughter.  Guess I've lost my sister. My daughter's life is too important to worry about hurting her feelings...

Second Chances

I saw this and had to write a blog.  I know I've talked about this before but it has come to my mind so often. Kylie wouldn't be here if Kamryn still was, in all honesty. As hard as it is to think about it is the truth. I would have gotten an IUD at 6 weeks PP instead of counting down the days till my depo was going to wear of so I could jump head first into TTC.

So was Kylie my second chance? In a way, I believe. My second chance to show me that miracle of life.  I don't know if I would be in this happy spot if things hadn't unfolded in this way. Okay, Okay, I know that sounds so wrong! Im not saying that this is the option that I would have chosen cause trust me I DO NOT WANT THIS! I would not want Kamryn to be dead. I would not even want Kylie to have to grow up with this. 

But  Kamryn's life changed me. It turned me into the person that I am today. The person I was before I got pregnant with Kamryn was very unsteady. I have learned the value of a life. Yes, it took a horrible, horrible, horrible event to make me learn how fragile life can be. I was that niave person who didn't believe that this could happen to me. Twelve babies in the US die from SIDS a day. Twelve. How could I be one of those 12? Kamryn was only two days old. This is an unheard of young age for SIDS.

So yes, Kylie has become my second chance. Kamryn taught me so much so that I could become the best mother that I could be. I truthfully do not think that things would have turned out this well with kamryn.  Im not saying that I would have been a horrible mother and neglected her.  I would have always been there for her. I just dont know how to explain this really...So I am sure that I sound like a horrible person now

As the Time Gets Closer

I just feel so heart broken today. The days are quickly approaching til Kamryn's second birthday and angelversary. I do not want this. I want to be planning a second birthday party for an energetic little girl. I want to be preparing for, and most likely already dealing with, the "terrible twos". I don't want to be going through my amazon history to find the same seller that I ordered the sky lanterns from last year.  I want Kylie to know about her sister more than anything. Yet, I don't want her to have to deal with this. The sadness that will come with this isn't fair for her to grow up with. Nor will I be able to deal with the heartache (if it happens) that she doesn't want to do this anymore and can voice it or when she is too embarrassed to talk about Kamryn. I can hope all I want that she won't ever do that but in reality I know that there is a good chance it will happen. 

While I was out today there were too many temp-tags & failed emissions tags with the 11/16/11 and one truck in the Walgreen's parking lot with 11/16/09 written boldly on the back. These have hurt the heartache. I had watch the dates on the calender pass knowing that there was less then a month till her birthday. But did the dates really have to be every where today??

I try to live my life as normally as possible from the outside. But there are moments, some whole days- like today- and some random times when it just hits me, that I want to scream. I want to break down and scream "I want my daughter back!!" ...Just pretend to be "normal" because my heart has been so tore apart that I will never be.

Drying my tears as I must go chase down Kylie. She now finds everything that she is not suppose to. :p

Happy.

I love how happy Kylie is all the time. I wish that I could be that happy.

Everything has fallen apart in this house. Is it the house? Gary and I were never like this before. Yes we have been here two years. So maybe the stress of two years of our relationship, plus loosing Kamryn, plus having Kylie, plus bills, jobs and school has done it too us. . . But something just doesnt seem right here. People we have know that used to live here before had bad relationship problem. Two couples we have kept in contact with after they moved have gotten better. The lady who lived in this house before us had problems-- our door has dents from where her bf beat the door with the baseball bat. There was even a lady a bout a year ago who killed herself. Could it be this townhouse? the building? Gary looked it up earlier today and found stories where events that happened in the past could affect people. I guess it is all what you believe in.

What is there to do? Can't move out have a lease til October '12. Too expensive to break a lease and even move out. And could moving actually solve the problems between us.

In that Room--was it because of Me?

Last Wednesday I went to my OB/GYN for my annual (even though once I got there they said that things have changed and yhou no longer need an annual only a check up ever two years, so a bi-annual[?]. Anyways this is besides the point...). Besides the abbundance of pregnant women and newborn who made my baby fever roar. I so want to be pregnant. I miss it so bad. Although I know that there is no way that I would be able to handle it. I can't handle everything as they are now. I feel overwhelmed every single day. I feel like a failure.

They finally call me back. I get in the room an reconize it right away. There is something about this room that makes it unforgetable. It is extremely small compared to all the other [million] rooms and seems dark. I remember thinking the same thing the first time I walked into this room. Ugh, the first time I was in this room.... The first time that I walked in this room was the last appointment that I had with Kamryn. The day my blood pressure decided to go too high. The day I was showing that my cervix was making progress. The day I decided that it was time to bring this baby girl into the world. Friday, November 13, 2009.

I sat in this room. Alone. I thought I would be fine but of course I got to thinking. Did I make the wrong choice that day? I sat there would my daughter have done better if I had told them that I didn't want to be induced? My elevated blood pressure wasnt effecting her. What if I had just waited the weekend out? What if I had waited for her to come naturally?  Did I make the right decision? Would my daughter have passed on the 16th no matter whether she was in my womb or on the outside? Maybe I made a choice to be able have the my baby in my arms for 2 days compared to none at all. Maybe my daughter would still be here if I hadnt made that choice. Was I too impatient?

I knew that all the questions I sat asking ment nothing. No matter the million ways that I could have changed that day. None of them could bring my daughter back. NOTHING ever will. My life will always be filled with what-ifs, questioning my desicions, and pondering what a life with an almost two year old would be like......What-if? Where now? Was it me?

But even questions with no answers or no reason or no meaning made my eyes well with tears. I had thought about asking for a different room. Maybe then I wouldnt sit there and tourture my self. I didnt. I knew that they probably wouldnt undersstand. Mainly, though, I didnt want to sit there and have to explain the whole story. It is sad enough that I have a note on my paper under births after Kamryn's birth date and information "Infant passed from SIDS at 2 days old". I hate the looks that I get from the nurses who ask question as they are reading the paper or the ones who just skip over questions so they dont have to deal with it or the ones who can only wisper "Im so sorry. " I know that eople say they are sorry when they are sorry for what happened or, most times, dont know what else to say. But why be sorry. Although, at times, I want to put the blame on someone it wasnt you.